Course Correction~





Hardships & Initiation~



Fear Not!!

Hardships are a necessary part of the initiation process. Only those who overcome them, will succeed through the various levels of initiation.

That is why I write about them so much you guys. So you will see the value in them and find encouragement to get through them.

This process is NOT for everyone. Although EVERYONE is invited to apply.
This is a lifestyle, not a test or two and you are IN. There will be many tests and most are not on paper. Then of there is the waiting. The endless patience building; waiting.

In the almost 4 years I have been at this, I have seen more drop out, than I have seen those that keep going. Many start out strong and sprint pass others to what they believe is the finish line, not realizing this is a never ending endurance game.
Unfortunately those who are able to suffer through the struggles of the long haul, are few and far between.

Remember, the Illuminati states in ILLUMINATIAM that all manner of hardships are placed in our path, (including addictions) to see if temporary discomfort will cause us to turn away from the Light. These are designed to test our resolve and to harden the armor around our souls. All the more so, if you have been chosen to go through The Illuminati’s initiation process for Leadership.

It is absolutely OK,  if after a mile or two, you would rather play a supporting role. Please do not feel discouraged if at the end of the day, this gig is not for you. Not everyone around here, wants to or needs to be, a leader. We need actually need
folks willing to promote and support IAMs messages and messengers too, you know!

There is a place for ALL of us in the Universal Design. And believe it or not, you will love your role, once you discover it. It has been custom designed, just for you!

Leadership is not for everyone, and until recently, it wasn’t something I desired or pursued, AT ALL.  It’s a really, really, tough and often thankless job, riddled with irrational extremes and infinite blame. 1/3 of our own family will hate you, just for being out front, and another half of them, will hate you for what you do and/or say, while you are out there.

I have always preferred to be the man behind the power! But apparently The Illuminati sees me as a Bride, not a Bridesmaid, so I am doing my best to live up to their confidence in me. But it ain’t easy. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. It’s actually a really tough row, to how.

So by all means, relax into this thing. It is not only OK to take your time around here, it is advisable. Watch while you wait. Get the lay of the land. Take some time to see where
your unique gifts, talents and skill set, can be developed further, to serve others. Because at the end of the day, this is the bottom line. This is what this whole thing is all about: Service to others, not self glorification. Service to Humanity, not yourself personally!

Those who think otherwise, will be sorely disappointed. The glory seekers, sadly left wanting~

“Fear not for the struggles you face in this moment: be they money, relationships, war, or hunger. These are impermanent and temporary concerns that plague every member of the human species regardless of wealth or power or prestige.

No one is free from their clutches. But find security in knowing that you are always safe in the Light.”

-The Illuminati

A special “thank you” goes out to Citizen Member Nicholas Hastie for inspiring this post~


An Open Letter to IAM…


Dear IAM, It’s me…V~

HaPPy V Day BTW!

How cool is it, that my nickname for you, has caught on?! I see so many others refer to you in that way now. I love it! #IAMFAM is a thing, Lol

Nope, no need to thank me, you are most welcome!

But I am not here to self marvel at the power of my written words although, let’s face it… they can be magic at times. Tee hee. I am here to give you an update on what has been going on with me, since I have been somewhat scarce and silent.

Look, I get it. I am clearly not the brightest bulb in your pack! However, may I  remind you, I never claimed to be.

I told you from the beginning, I didn’t see myself as a leader, but I could help you find the ones you were looking for. It never occurred to me in a million years, you would see something in me, I was blind to in myself. That part still blows me away, as I strive to become worthy of your confidence in me.

While it has been an honor to receive a historical designation, with the “verified Level 1.1” thing, it has been a responsibility I could not have fathomed, prior to being ‘crowned’ in that way.

It has been a heavy weight upon me that I have had to struggle to walk upright with, at times. Something I bet most do not really realize, until they experience it for themselves. I am actually hyper aware of the honor and seek to be worthy of it; every day.

Or maybe they do, because you know, they are much brighter bulbs!?

I am sorry if my progress is painfully slow to watch. It must be frustrating for you guys to see me struggle, and not be able to offer a hand when I have fallen on my face, tears streaming onto the ground making mud, not magic.

While I fully understand, I am a rarefied taste, I gotta believe that after 4 plus years, I have grown on you guys; some. Or at least some of you! I like to pretend you actually care that I am crawling through parts of this, when I am too wobbly to walk upright.

PLEASE forgive my ignorance regarding your ‘loyal water buffalo’ ways, but I still remain somewhat clueless as to how any of this works. This flying blind on the cryptic, has been a real drag for me.

At times I have even felt like a Sheep not a Lion, because of this. My ability to figure out what is going on has not been easy, or quick. I have had to learn a new language, with all your indirect signs and symbols, but I am getting there.

I’m really doing the best I can, even if I seem developmentally retarded, to you guys. I am tremendously grateful, you are a patient people!

My heart and head are completely in this thing, IAM. I hope at least that much is obvious. I work hard to make certain my actions are in alignment with my words, and your principles. I hope my passion for this outreach is palatable, and contagious.

I have inspired an entire network of opportunity, for the other leaders among us to share the spotlight with me. So in that way, I have made good on my original promise to you, and I am proud of myself for having done so.

As you know, I have acted on your words in a huge way. Even forgoing things I once LOVED, to be a better version of myself, and a better reflection of the Light for an ever growing global audience.

I recognize that being a leader in this movement, means we are called to be, a cut above the rest.  I fully understand that we are scrutinized like no other group on this planet, and I want to be the very best representative of your Global Outreach I can be.

To me, that means acting like a Shepherd of our Species, not the Sheep we protect. It is a higher calling most will not answer, much less stay committed to, when it becomes difficult.

A distinction, lost on far too many of our IAMAM.

Speaking of difficulty…FINALLY, my physical health is bouncing back!  However, my mental health has taken extra time to recover, given I was thrown into a mild depression, as a result of the hypothyroidism that came from my smoking cessation.  I had to fight my way out of a very deep and dark hole, only to realize…I now have to fight the fat that found me, while I was in there!

Grrrrrr, hissssssss~

This path is NOT for everyone. Not even close!! I am not always sure it’s for me, but I am willing to swim until I can swim no more! That much I do know.

I also know that most are unwilling to give up what they hold dear, much less reach out to embrace the unknown. Something that must continually occur, on the path of enlightenment. This is a rarefied journey, indeed.

I was so angry there for awhile, IAM! In some ways I still am. There is so much going on inside, as the Light has it’s way with me! An explosive anger with no where to go but to Brad’s house, apparently.

Before I was able to turn it into the fuel that got my arse moving again, I was in agony both physically and mentally!!  That guy deserves a badge of his own. His wife has been incredibly gracious to allow Brad to listen to my ruminations on repeat, for HOURS at a time!  What a neat couple! They should be sporting “We survived V” crowns of their own! I am not even kidding!

Anyway…I never thought doing something to improve my health, would cause me to be unhealthy! But hey…I did destroy a 41 year old, previously functioning ecosystem that was NOT HaPpy with me, for doing so!

I have finally been able to move into a solution, but I was seriously down for the count, there for awhile. I REALLY hung the black crepe for far longer than I typically allow, but I just could not move past the smoldering anger. I was spitting nails and smoking mad!! The whole horrific experience burnt me down; completely. I was reduced to ash, ironic, right? But it was on the ashes of my own angst that I become ready to be made greater.

So, like a Phoenix, I am rising!

I am striding several times a week, and it has helped my mindset enormously, but not the appearance of my body that I can see, as of yet anyway.

I will not feel fully myself, until I stop seeing “Consumption V” in the mirror! I did not get sober, quit smoking ciggs & stuff, to see that undisciplined version of myself, looking back at me through the mirror again.

Talk about a head trip! On top of being sick for MONTHS, I have had to face HER  again, too. Most folks will not be able to relate to that part, but I know it goes without saying for you guys. (insert a knowing wink-wink nod-nod here)

I have taken the liberty to write things out, so other Initiates can at least begin to understand, what is required of them. I hope it helps, and is not a hindrance to you that I do, IAM.  It has been my experience that Illumination is a process whereby we are continually renewed, and refined.

It’s an Ouroboros thing.

All of this is obviously designed to reveal our true intentions and integrity level. Iron to gold. Forged only by the fires of hell and hardship. You guys definitely push people past their limits till they pop open, and reveal the type of goo that is on the inside. It makes sense though. All my juicy goodness inside comes from the things that have tested me.

And honestly, I have yet to meet anyone of substance, who refined their character on social media chit-chat, petting pit bulls and chasing Pikachu -so to speak.


The gemstones are in hades, not at the end of the rainbow. Our testimonial treasures come from trials, not well paved trails. 

At any rate…I had a series of ahhh-ha’s and epiphanies last week that have put me firmly back on path. They seemed to come on the heels of me brute forcing my way, into a solution to my angst. I could literally not stand myself anymore. I was wailing, wallowing, and gnashing my teeth over this one. The creepy black crepe long over due, for the rubbish can.

Part of the upshot is this is: I have a new found appreciation for those who suffer from chronic health conditions, or serious mental health issues. It takes a real toll on folks ability to be of good cheer, when you are hurting non-stop, I can see that now. Plus it has the potential to set off a negative mindset that will dig the ditch deeper, if they are not vigilant and active about keeping their spirits high. This particular lesson has reinvigorated my compassion, something I was losing ground on, having had to deal with the psycho-sociopaths who are drawn to your gates. In other words, I needed everything I gleaned from this particular joy ride.

Eeeeh gads, all because I quit smoking!

So there you have it. I just wanted you to know, I have survived myself and my self-inflicted suffering, well almost anyway.

Now I am working towards restoring my zeal. By my birthday, I should being staring back and the women I am becoming, not the women I once was…

May the Light ever guide us all!



PS: Thx for the Pokemon edit🕷Lol


Good Grief?!

Please allow me to share something with you about grief & sorrow.
This might not be something you have not considered before.
It’s sort of a side note, to whatever you might already know about loss and  it’s subsequent emotional pain.
I’d like to put a new spin on a shared experience as old as mankind itself. To Lighten the darkness of grief up a bit,  if not to illuminate what a glorious honor it is to be able to FEEL anything at all!
Having a body, a physical expression, is what allows us to feel things. All kinds of gooey & mucky things.
It is what makes the earth experience so heart-wrenching and emotionally treacherous to travel, at times.
All these terrific & terrifying sensations, are largely what we are here to experience, perhaps even master.
Sorrow is the deepest level of loss. Our level of grief, is in direct proportion, to our level of connection. Like invisible strings that pull at our hearts. Not only are our emotions engaged, but it can be physically felt. Grief when profound, can literally make one feel as if they are dying.
For example, “heart broken” feels exactly like the heart IS breaking inside your chest. I have felt this myself, and marveled at the fact I didn’t bleed out and die!
Thankfully, the horrors of pain associated with acute grief, passes through on short lived waves, which lessen in severity with time.
No one wants or enjoys losing something or someone of great value to them. Even if the loss is ultimately for the best.
It simply SUCKS.
And it hurts.
It hurts like a thousands knifes stabbing at the soul.
Human beings will do anything to avoid emotional pain.
We drink, we drug, we overeat. You name it, if we can avoid it, we will.
However, denial of our grief does not make it go away. Resisting the natural & healthy urge to “hang black crepe”, can lead to further complications from suppression.
Unexpressed grief simply lies in wait, like a rattlesnake coiled & rattling…undermining our ability to heal properly and unlining all manner of deductions and addictions.
So perhaps we would benefit from embracing our temporary afflictions instead?
Knowing emotional pain is actually just a temporary, intense & uncomfortable expression, of our deep capacity to love & connect to others!
What seems like the darkest part of life, is actually just the rough edges of the incredible privilege, of being alive.

The next time you find yourself in sorrows vice-like embrace, remember for a moment…what an excruciating honor it is… to be able to feel her at all~

Namaste’ Beacons~


The Marine Corps & Me~


He was literally the Commander of the Supply School I went to in the Marine Corps, when I was 19 years old…only 31 years later.
And we went to the 239th Marine Corps Ball together, a few years back. Oh yeah, we took his wife too, my gorgeous friend Cathryn.
She’s not in the picture because of that. She graciously stepped aside, so I could have the total USMC Ball experience, with her man.


All the pomp and circumstance, that is typically lost on young Marines, because they can’t wait for the drinking & dancing to start, I saw with fresh, yet seasoned eyes.
I loved it!

And they even recognized, a female Lance Corporal for her exceptionalism! I thought that was really cool, because she was snappy in her uniform and demeanor. So you could tell, she was fully in it. Plus I don’t remember girls getting singled out for that kind of distinction, when I was in. My own master sergeant, straight up gave me his speech, on why women didn’t belong in HIS Marine Corps. And I mean, right off the bat, I knew the climate of my new duty station.

Other than the music, it was awesome! But that’s not why I am talking to you right now. It’s what happened on that same trip with him, that I need to talk about.


Because I was revisiting the last place I was “whole”, before I was traumatized. This particular visit to the Harvey’s, had me filled with caution anticipation and a little bit of dread. In a sense I was finally coming full circle, back to myself. It was the beginning of the merger, of my teenage self and the rest of me. And on some level, I Just knew, how important this trip would end up being

34 years ago this month, I met and married another young Marine. We knew each other three weeks. And I drink a whole bottle of champagne, before we said our vows in the small chapel in Palm Springs California.
The only possible explanation I can think of for doing so now, was his mouth. I loved his mouth. The way it moved. I only I looked at it, when he talked. Never his eyes, or maybe I would have “seen”.

Because I do not like to relive this part of my life, I will make this brief and you can read between the lines.
Within five days of getting married, I had slashed my wrist, when he confessed to me, he was a Satanist. Now mind you I was knee-deep in Jesus at that time. So that pretty much short-circuited me, psychologically. And it got worse from there.

I endured months of ritualistic psychological torture & sexual abuse, at the hands of, someone who said they loved me. I most certainly thought I loved him, that’s for sure. It wasn’t like he beat me up because his dinner was cold either. He had a nightly ritual. It always started when he picked me up from work. I was accused of sleeping with people,at work…on base, in the Marine Corps. It was just absurd to me. Where would I have found the time? I was sleeping during my breaks and lunch in the ladies bathroom, because he kept me up all night!!

He would go on and on and on. Screaming, frothing, accusing, threatening. It was jealousy on crack or something, I don’t know. I had never seen any behavior like that before in my life. He would work himself into a lather, quite literally, with me pinned down on the bed underneath his salivating hatefilled words. He continually shouted insults, and things I don’t even remember, because it went on for hours. And I tuned out.
I was kept awake until 4am every morning, and then expected to perform as a “wife” afterwards.
He constantly threatened my life and had the weaponry around to make good on it. He had a thing for butcher knives. I was completely checked out as a result. I really don’t even know how I got through the days back then.
But this dirty secret did not stay hidden forever. My Capt. graciously and honorably discharged me from the Marine Corps. These off work events, were semi documented. However in those days the men around me did not know how to deal with somebody who spoke up. I wasn’t something people really talked about back then. However I had to, because my husband kidnapped me and kept me from going my Marine Corps job, for a couple of days, after he was discharged himself, for reasons I would only tell you, at a live speaking event.

That triggered my willingness to share because I needed to get away from this guy. The last time he was able to get his hands on me, he was choking me to death. Had the neighbors not called the police I’m pretty sure he would’ve finished me off. You just know, when you’re that close, to meeting your maker. I finally got away shortly there after. But I did but I took the long way home. Because my baby Christian born-again parents (at the time), didn’t think it was a good idea, I left my husband, because you know… marriage is forever blah blah blah. But it was actually him who set things in motion he could not stop that ejected me miraculously, out of the situation.

Because I was heavily invested in the church at the time, and my dad was in seminary, I went to a trusted pastor for help. It was so beyond his scope, it wasn’t even funny. It would be years, before I dipped into any kind of professional help again. I came and went. I could only take my healing in doses. I was drinking myself silly, so I didn’t have to think about those kinds of things. I was into pure escapism really. Although, not in a creepy way.


But over the years, I slowly healed. I did what I could, as it came up.

Me, myself and “I”.

Although honestly, the Marine Corps was always available when I needed extra help, (albeit, slowly) especially if I needed assistance monitoring my moods. It was just so unspeakable and beyond the scope of a normal experience, that I just couldn’t find anybody I felt comfortable enough, to talk about it with.

Cathryn had been trying to get me to come to a Marine Corps Ball for years. The first time she suggested it, I was all over it. I could’ve attended a ball, at a number of locations, in the last 10 years. But my destiny, was to occur when they got stationed in Jacksonville NC. The very town I went to school at, after leaving bootcamp in 1980.


The day that I finally found lasting peace from this particular incident, on my arduous journey towards the Light. Catherine and I, went to Craig’s office, so he could give me a tour of the base and we could go to lunch.
It was so different then I remembered it, I can’t tell you. While it was the same, it was different. Because my view of it was on foot before and this time, we were in Craig’s jeep.

I really loved being at that school, I had a REALLY good time there and I was really HaPpy, to be a part of the MC. Even though I categorically do not care for war, in anyway. In fact my code for reenlistment on my discharge papers state, I’m a conscientious objector! But I wasn’t conscious of it, at the time of my enlightenment!


At lunch I didn’t give Craig all the details of what happened to me, not like I gave you here. But he knew without me having to explain. Because part of his job, was dealing with precisely these kinds of issues, and honestly, some I find more shocking actually.
Predators like naive kids, who just came out of small towns, in the middle of anywhere, in America. He explained to me, it was actually a “thing” for an over abundance of deviants, to swarm around bases, and I was a bit horrified really. In his tenure there, he had to help young Marines get the care they needed after sexual assalts. or physical abuse, car accidents, you name it. And it happened far more than you would think.


What was healing for me personally, was listening to this man talk about these kids, and what they were going through. And what they were doing to facilitate their healing. They could finally offer them,  the kind of help that they would need, so that they could move past this part of their lives.

I assure you, no one told me things like that, while I was in the Marine Corps. My pastor didn’t have resources either. Five counselors did not restore my broken wings, Although they tried.
Additionally, Craig was expressing to me, how much it meant to the Marine Corps, to be able to handle these sorts of things now, when so many of us fell through the cracks, for so many years. Many dedicated Marines & Civilians, have helped orchestrate the changes, that are now available to those who need assistance surviving trauma.
They are very proud of the systems & organizations they have put in place, to care for their Marines. Mind, body & Spirit.
At the end of the day, The USMC, really is a fraternity. It’s a ‘humanhood’ of men and women, willing to risk their lives, so that their families and friends may live in freedom. Unfortunately, many risk much more, than you will ever fully comprehend.

And they do take care of their own. I am so proud of them for growing into this with dignity. It was so healing for me to know, that others would not have to walk such a dark and lonely path, towards their healing. That there would be choices and avenues, more custom tailored, to their particular trauma and needs.

So if you think my Marine Corps is some soulless fighting machine, you would be incorrect.

The USMC is made up of humans just like you and I. And like anybody who’s awake & paying attention, they are striving to get better in all aspects of what they do, as an people.

So, today I just wanted to tell you guys, how much I appreciate & adore, Lieutenant Colonel Craig Harvey’s unique placement in my life. I am way beyond grateful for The Harvey’s!


I also wanted to tell you, It was an honor to have served in the Marine Corps, even though, I really just didn’t want to go to college.

Yep. I finally have some hard fought for peace…where a war once raged. And it feels like a Victory!

Now to fully eliminate the PTSD!

Because our bodies remember…


Cathryn & Me~

*If want need to reach out for help, with a similar experience, please visit:

Hotlines & Helpful folks, are but a click away~


What a hassle!


As “they” say…the struggle is real!

Some days are such a hassle, it is ridiculous.

It is bad math start to finish.

Seems like everything goes sour in the frig. at once. The littlest things become colossal and if it could go wrong, it does.

I really do not love days like that.

From dropped keys or calls, to bad billing or bad medicine, it all seems to stack up at once. For me anyway. The challenges never seem to drift by alone and quiet like. Rather they scream through, with a dozen of their best friends, seeking to knock me down.

When really, they only make me feel pissy-pot-pie!

I wonder how many others out there, have faced days/weeks/months or even YEARS of non-stop complicated BS. I am not talking about the stuff we can control, but the stuff we can’t. The things that fly out of left field, on the ready to bulldoze some area of your life, unannounced.

Thankfully, life has the right amount of delightful in the mix, to keep the bad juju, palatable~




Hardships in Hell~


We all face hardships. They are an unavoidable part of the path, towards our own greatness. From unintentional missteps, to willful side-steps, we all face the consequences of our moves.

The luxury of choice, is not without responsibility. While we are destined to realize our full potentials, we choose what roads we take to get there. And how long. In the scheme of eternity, we are certainly welcome to take the long way home.
However, with the thunder of approaching storms, those called to higher places, cannot linger. We smell the storm coming. We recognize our personal trips to hardship hell, are a necessary part of our personal preparation.
We feel the sense of urgency.  We want to be crafted into better versions of ourselves. ASAP.  We want to learn from our mistakes. We are open to the education, only true hardship can teach. We know there are treasures in hardship hell, and we want them. We want to be deep & wide and strong enough, to weather whatever lays ahead. And help others do the same.

So fear not, your struggle. Try and see the refinement fires of Hades, for what they truly are; Initiation. Every successful human you have ever know or heard about. Has suffered the same flaming examination. Take comfort in the idea, that these things are merely prerequisites, to inheriting the wisdom necessary, to fulfill your unique role in the Universal Design.

The harder the climb, the broader the view. Let the infernos of hardship, produce excellence in you~

PS: To the Initiates of the Illuminati:

I encourage you all, to reserve your critical eye, for your own initiation process. Respect the struggle, of your fellow Initiates. Get off the throne of judgement on others and take ruler-ship of your own life. Everything you have ever walked through, leading up to the base of The Illuminati’s pyramid, is by design.
Here, is where the real work begins. If you have time to over analyze others, you likely aren’t in the growing pattern necessary, to take the next step. We are all in this together Initiates. And only those fully committed to their evolutionary development, will gain higher ground.