Posts Tagged ‘hardship’

*For those of you not feeling the flames of refinement, I’m convinced it’s likely because you are not being groomed for greatness, yet. If your life is not being turned upside down, you may not be the leader you believe yourself to be.

Greatness is forged out of adversity, not abundance. I am sharing this for those who have been called to be Shepherds of their Species, not for the sheep they serve.

This is for those of you who are “feeling” it. I am pouring my guts onto the page so you can see you are NOT alone and be encouraged to keep swimming, by what I have shared from the depth of my soul~

MOO

I cannot help but wonder, if my life will ever be one that does not include continuous battles and hardship. Will it always be an uphill battle with no summit in site? Must I shed my skin ceaselessly upon the rocks of a path less traveled?

For as long as I can remember, there has always been something in my life to slay. I think that is why I have sought for so long, to change my name. When you have been given the name ‘Victory’, there is no end to your battles, no war -that is finally won. It announces to all you are triumph: personified. Something that is highly intimidating, to those who are still fighting to secure their own victories.

It has been a constant uphill battle for me in ways most do not know about, nor would they even understand. I am tired from a struggle no one sees. I have been surrounded by those who have no clue what I have faced in my lifetime or the toll these things have taken on my soul. I do not typically discuss the things that have sought my surrender, I write them out instead. I do so, hoping there is at least one other soul out there that understands the struggle. But alas, much of it is squirreled away, and hidden from view. Just like the relentless pain within, I cannot seem to pop the cork on.

While I did not expect anything in the way of hardship relief from The Illuminati. I did not anticipate the sharp increase in them. I had no idea there was going to be any kind of an “initiation”, much less have a clue about what they might entail. As I have stated before, I had a wonderful first year with IAM. The most unbelievable things happened to me that first year. Random things I had long desired, came to pass in a way that was nothing short of magical . It was indeed, a honeymoon of sorts that I sorely miss.

However, right around our year anniversary, things took an abrupt change, for the more challenging. The season of rest I had so enjoyed, was replaced by series of unfortunate events that have lasted 3 full years and have been explained in more detail in my article: “The REAL cost of following the Illuminati”. Even now as I enter into my 4th year, I do so with the leftovers of the previous year, unresolved.

In early December of 2018, my only sibling Brian, who has Down’s related Alzheimer’s, had 3 grand mal/tonic clonic seizures, one after another, setting off an earthquake of emotions in me I cant even write out yet, much less deal with -on any level.  As he enters into the 6th and final phase of a disease that will terminate his life, I am also preoccupied with my own illness. One that cannot remotely be compared, to what he is facing. Something that gives me an enormous amount of guilt to contemplate. My whole life has been one of guilt, since the day he was born, which will be addressed at another time. Suffice to say, it is like having an application open on your phone that you aren’t using, but it is running in the background draining your battery, never-the-less.

As 2018 gave way to 2019, the meds I took for what ails me, made me momentarily hope that my life would return to a normal pace. That somehow I could stand the challenges that haunt me, with something resembling strength, once my health had been restored.  Instead, my symptoms have returned and I started the year dealing with something I thought I had left behind me.  One look at me shows how far off of center I am. I carry almost 40 extra pounds from my smoking cessation, along with the burden knowing, it was my choices that have brought me to this place. I am deeply angry about the lack of professional care that put me in a position to gain beyond what was necessary, or normal. All under a doctors supervision. It as left me struggling to love myself, “as is”. Something I have always struggled with, being the odd man out, at all times.

I am not myself anymore. And not yet who I want to be.

I still do not smoke, but quitting was the worst thing I have done to myself, in recent decades.  Something that was suppose to improve my life, has caused me pain and grief I have yet to escape, almost 5 months later. My entire ecosystem has been rend asunder. But the most grievous of all, is the dreaded depression that has returned to gloat over a life that is already weaken, by the constant strain of rapid and radical change. While I type, tears fall hot and streaming, on a face that does not smile, like it used to.

2018 ended with far too many people taking my personal inventory and an announcement that the hotel I work at, had been sold. Thus leaving my job security at risk and my benefits diminished. All of it more than I can stand; today. And yesterday.

To add insult to injury, I know that there are those who claim to follow the Light, that will revel in my unraveling. Those self-righteous bullies, who will find joy in my pain. While others equally as disingenuous, feign concern publicly and mock in private. Those that have condemned me for my imperfect humanity, will celebrate my sadness, as if it had the power to elevate them; somehow. All of this not lost on me, due to a burdensome gift I have. Every bit of it contributing to the anguish I feel inside, because not even “family” can be trusted to love unconditionally. Only so called family, will actually bury their wounded.

All of which adds more tears to a bucket, already half full of them. 

This is initiation. This is the path to greatness. This is The Illuminati shedding Light on the darkest part of my soul. This is me struggling to rise to the occasion.

As awful as I am feeling, I know I am not alone. All around me there are those who are struggling to the same degree as I, or even more so. I have watched several people implode and become institutionalized, as a result of this process. I have seen many others, on the verge of suicide.  Neither of which is an option for me, personally. So anyone suggesting otherwise for any reason, do not know what I am made of. Or my history. Even in a broken state, I am stronger than most. So do not think for even one second, this extended walk through hell, will ever keep me from the summit. I will always climb skyward, even if I must crawl through some of the most difficult terrain.

I am not sure how The Illuminati is able to shine the Light into the deepest parts of our soul, but surely they do. They silently ask that we be all we can be, and somehow let us see the things that are preventing us from doing so. Demons long ago locked away, are released into the wild for a final battle, for all the cookies. Nothing remains hidden, for those who seek to be as the hidden hand. An irony so profound, it is lost on most Initiates.

What IAM does to deal with me, is not the same as they will do with you. Each path is as unique as those, who travel it. In my circle, the hand print of IAM cannot be mistaken. Although each one of us are having a totally different experience, and relationship with the illuminated ones.  I have been privy to the extreme ways in which IAM will let their presence be known to others, never having said an audible word, to those they guide.

In my case, I have been rightly abandoned and left for dead.

A closeness I once felt in the early days of this movement, has given way to a silence so profound, it echos painfully in my soul with an unexplained longing, to be reunited with people I have never met.

I have been cast into HELL and left for metaphorical dead more that once, in the years I have been under their watchful eye.  And yet, I have always known, even when I could not ‘feel’ them, that they were there in the shadows whispering, to keep swimming. But today. Not so much. I have never felt as abandoned, as I do now. Especially in contrast to the stories my closest brothers and sisters are sharing about their journeys right now.

I literally feel the distance between The Illuminati and I. It’s like they left me trailing in the shadowy background and walked into the Light well beyond where I currently reside, or can reach. A distance so palpable, I can literally taste the bitterness, left in the misty wake of it.  It makes me sick to think they have left me behind. That maybe I have cried waaaay too much, or have said, written, or recorded something I shouldn’t have, to be in the company of the Greats. It is the worst feeling EVER. Worse than the abandonment of a long time lover. It is on par with GOD turning his back on me, leaving me alone in the pit of Hades with a darkness so pervasive, it is starting to drive me mad. I often think to myself, who are these people that have gotten under my skin like this?? And how far from madness am I really, when I long to be reunited with people I have never met??

I ask myself over and over again, why am I being punished? What have I done sooo wrong, to make them turn their backs on me? Where is their humanity? How can they watch me suffer and offer no comfort? Who are these people, that are so heartless, they will not reach back to trembling hands that have been offered in sickening loyalty, on par with an abused dog?

Why O’ why has thou forsaken me??!!

I know I am no where near the end of the road, as the journey towards enlightenment is a lifestyle, not a destination. I have so much more to do, to prepare to for my role in the Universal Design, it’s daunting. My initiation has insisted I resolve old internal business that needs an accounting so desperately, the day of reckoning has arrived to clean house without remorse.

I am unclean with festering old wounds that are begging for healing. I am literally still and unborn in the mud, not yet sure if I will become a Lotus or perish in the weight of the ceaseless darkness I have felt within, for as long as I can remember. 

I know there are gemstones to be found in all of this, but right now, I do not feel like mining. What I want it a never-ending hug and the reassurance that all of this is leading to something, I can actually live with. I know this will pass, but I know also, another wave is coming behind this one. I wish I could see the Light on the water or the sand upon the shore. But I just don’t right now.  I can be no more honest than that.

My spiritual journey to the underworld has been laid bare before the world to consume. I have entered the deepest, darkest part of Hell. I am emotionally exhausted and dying for relief. I have been through so much, and there is so much more building within, and it seeks to pop the cork on a life that has held back things, which should have long ago, been released. If it wasn’t for a couple of Beacons in my life who understand this process, encouraging me to keep going, I would have long ago headed in another direction.  I am grateful to the ears that allow me to repeat my pain on the record, broken and bleeding from my heart. Even so, I am dead on arrival. Dead to the world. Dead in in the water. I don’t want to keep swimming, but I do not want to drown either.

ouroboros

I am the Ouroboros eating my own rattling tail, hungering to be the version of myself, The Illuminati sees in me. 

Today, I have paused. I have no more strength to push. I have given myself permission to float for awhile, as I die to myself awaiting the resurrection, I know will come in the wake of my demise.  For now,  I will drift in stillness upon the reflective sewer waters of my own contaminated life, with my face in the Sun…as silent as you, IAM~

1/23/19

WARNING: This might bum ya out, before it boosts ya up~

This is for everyone who is struggling to survive right now. My intent is not to self glorify, but to use my experience as an example, to illustrate the REAL cost of following the Illuminati. It is meant to inspire and encourage those of you, who find yourself in the fires of refinement right now. Believe it or not, it is a fantastic sign!

cropped-be5acdc4-625c-4944-8990-69d7a739ab50.jpeg

Beyond the bullshit, superficial, made for TV marketing, about how the Illuminati has “changed my life forever”, there lies another story underneath that I would like to share with you.

Know that I absolutely mean it when I publicly declare that my life has changed in every way possible since I met them, because it has.

DRAMATICALLY.

However it has come at a tremendous price for me, without ever once paying a fee, or offering a donation, to The Illuminati.  I wasn’t even scammed before finding them. So no losses there either. The cost was not a financial one per se, even though I have willingly and HaPpily paid for documents, dangles, and domains too, since I have known of them.

Actually, I payed a much greater price than most will understand, until they have properly paid the price for themselves. The cost is unique to everyone who participates. Although I wholeheartedly and enthusiastically encourage everyone to consider mentally, and emotionally, ‘funding’ it, regardless of how painful.

Let me explain before you panic…

This is the straight skinny, for those who are just getting started with The Illuminati and are thinking this thing is a complete, cake walk. It is important for folks to get the full flavor here, not just as a point of warning, but as a prelude to some wonderful inspiration to follow.

I think it is imperative folks understand what they are taking on here, because no one gave me a heads up. I had to find out the hard way. Those who have participated in other “loyal water buffalo” lodges, do not need to read any further. You got this. You guys already know the score. But for many of us, this whole entire gig is uncharted territory, and it is to those who are as ignorant as I was, that this is written. I am hoping to demystify the process, while underscoring the personal cost, validating what is happening to you, and verifying for certain, it is all truly worth it!

The first year is what I called the ‘courting period’. It was absolute magnificence in motion. I went from strength to strength effortlessly, as if by magic. We were still dating then, IAM and I. There was something familiar about them from the moment we met. I thought they were terrific, (although it did not stop me from doing a background check on them)! I needed time to research this group and determine whether I was being duped; again. I had so many doubts. I was not certain right away that they were “the one”, although something deep inside kept trying to convince me they were, despite their sometimes sketchy appearance.  Even though the doubts were often overwhelming for me at times, I still showed up, sharing their links, while anxiously waiting to learn more.

I started with them before the First Testament even came out, and there was certainly no jewelry in those early days. That came later in our ‘relationship’. Even so, it was all kinds of marvelous that first year. Illuminatiam was released, which I loved for so many reasons! It actually helped me make sense of my doubts. I would read it everytime I got sideways, to confirm doubting was normal and expected.

In real life, I was gifted a car, because a girlfriend didn’t like me riding my scooter anymore. I was gifted an eye procedure, to help with my ‘vision’. I got a terrific new job that I adored, which suited me perfectly. It was generally a GREAT year. Even the Illuminati sent me (and others) a red iron talisman, in recognition of our loyal marketing contributions to their movement. Heck, I was even called “Princess” directly by them and added to the Princess and Distinguished List, within the first few months of meeting them. Yep…there were all kinds of little wins, and wonders that first year. Far to many to recount.  Even with all my doubts, I was no doubt, falling in love with the mysterious Illuminati.

The whole movement, was a whirlwind of excitement for me. The dark waters that I had been swimming in personally, had been stirred by the sunshine that was casting it’s warm glow on the surface. While the fires within me had yet to be lit, the Illuminati was standing there with the matches, as I began drying out from the murky waters I had been residing in. I had become so stagnant and dreamless, I couldn’t even imagine where to go on vacation, had the funding appeared in the mail!

It would be fully accurate to say hope had returned, and things were definitely on the rise that very first year, after meeting The Illuminati. Reading Illuminatiam really got my mind moving again. Although I can’t explain how, exactly. It just did.

 I had been hiding out for years, and I knew it. It was literally as if, IAM found me. Not the other way around. So to merely say I am grateful to The Illuminati, is an colossal understatement. It rings hollow compared to how I feel about them.

Even with the afterglow, from a year of positive changes still upon me, I had not professed loyalty. I let the others do all that, with their instant unshakable, untouchable, Hail to the Light, declarations. I do not hand my loyalty out like candy. I reserve it for the precious few, that have actually earned it. Just as in real life, I am a slow sell, even if I am close to you.

It took me about a year and a half to move into a place, where I was able to feel anything akin, to permanent and dependable devotion. Although I was faithful during discovery, I was by no means ready to ‘marry’ these guys. I took the warning at the end of Illuminatiam VERY seriously, and was not yet willing to be “obedient” to a shadowy group, I could not see. I was concerned they could possibly be some kind of dark brightness, and not from the Light. So I needed more time and grade with them, to figure it out. Even though they had been showing up in a positive manner throughout my research into other interests, I was still unsure if THIS, was THAT historical group. I needed to be convinced (as humanly possible), before I signed on fully, and committed my mind, heart and soul, to this movement.

On or around the time I finally whispered I was loyal to them publicly, (a subtlety lost on most onlookers), but not on the IAM; a radical shift seemed to occur. My fiery decent into two (and counting) years of hell, began in earnest. It was almost as if, the Illuminati thought…loyal eh….?  Let’s see if you REALLY mean that, V.

The shift in my luck, started with a shit ton of loss. Specifically things were dying around me, in more ways that one. I had 4 dragons die on me, in the first 6 months of that period. I lost 2 long term girlfriends. One after 13 years for petty reasons, the other after 15 years, for differing penchants.

My 20 year marriage did not survive the Illuminati, nor did some of my more casual associations. The second year I watched helplessly from a far, as my mom had her stints replaced and her pacemaker upgraded.

I could not be there, when my baby bro had a pacemaker of his own installed, and was diagnosed with Down’s related Alzheimer’s and abruptly placed in foster care, at 52. I lost that fabulous job I was thriving in, when the company eliminated the position state wide. I was forced into a job I hated, just to survive, and faced unexpected harassment I believed was Illuminati related -which landed me in a unforeseen, no pay-time out, because well…why not?

I was in Hades.

And I needed time to cry, I guess. A lot.

Even though I landed a new job and was mysteriously paid, for my ‘non-paid leave’ (which kept me from drowning financially), my savings were completely drained as a result. As was the security I felt, knowing I had back up for a rainy day. I was truly at rock bottom. Or so I thought. Apparently, Hades has an elevator and many levels!

Then, the much anticipated Members Portal opened. What should have been, (and temporarily was), an exciting time in my Illuminati life, quickly descended into stress and grief, beyond my previous ability to fathom.

What fresh hell was this exactly?

Being singled out as the first Initiate in history to level up, and become “verified”, was a distinction not lost on me what-so-ever. Even if I did not understand it, I was so proud of that! It was truly the most important and incredible honor of my entire freaking lifetime!! Primarily because I already had an elementary understanding, of the historical significance of this secretive group, and I had at least an inkling, of what a rarefied honor it was, to be chosen out of almost a million followers.

I was not someone who came to the Illuminati via a hand gesture, on an album cover or a taco bell commercial. I had heard, read and seen the rumors, over the years, so I knew of them. But I did not really ‘know’ THEM. So I wasn’t about to judge without a lot more data. Since I had been the victim of unsubstantiated rumors as a teenager myself, (and even now) I just didn’t buy into the hysteria or hype.

I was actually quite content, thinking there was a hidden hand out there watching out for humanity. I never once thought to track them down. I actually did not think girls were allowed in the “Brotherhood”, anyway. So when I, (a gal) was singled out,  it was the biggest fucking deal EVER to me! It should be to every women out there, really. However, it was a move that clearly pissed off some Initiates right out of the gate, especially the men who erroneously still think of women, as possessions.

So what was truly a legendary and historical distinction, quickly became a horrifying ‘Mark of Cain’, so to speak.

I would quickly learn: A Crown is indeed, seated with thorns.

That is how it stays on your head, when the uninformed masses, seek to remove it from you, by force. What the King Makers do not tell you, is it also comes with a target. You are instantly hated by at least a 3rd of the people in your own community. A hate so full of vitriol, it absolutely drowns out any ego that might rear it’s ugly head, in a vain attempt to rock and rule, as a result of being crowned. The voices of dissent, indeed keep dictators at bay. Not that I was inclined to become one; anyway.

I now found myself hated by my Light “family”,  simply because of a blue check by my name. In time, via missteps of my own, I would give others a reason to hate me, as well.  All the things I was trying to accomplish to unite folks and help other Initiates, was lost on those who did not understand why I was chosen. They had zero compassion for my learning curve and that I was being developed into a leader, completely out loud and in a highly public venue.

I literally lost half of my hair volume during the first three months the Portal was open. My growing angst kept me from performing well in my new job, so I lived in constant fear I was going to lose it, and have to start looking for another one again. I couldn’t confide in my family, because they did not understand what I was going through, at all. Plus, the ancient emotional hairball I yakked up on my Mom (out of freaking nowhere) during a family vacation, did not help matters either. I assure you.

When I finally started making friendships with other initiates, I was elated! I finally had folks to talk to, that were on the same page I was on…or so I thought.

I honestly thought, those who wanted to be my friend were sincere, only to learn that social status, attracts those who want to be associated with IT, not the person who earned it. I also learned (the hard way) that folks who say they follow the Light, often have hidden agendas that are anything but, enlightened.

The words I struggled the most with, from The First Testament of the Illuminati, proved to be the shocking truth. TRUST NO ONE. Not fully.

I was getting a crash course in rational reality 101. My world view was taking a huge hit. The bubble of positivism I tried desperately to live in, had been popped, the remains of which, are still floating in the wind somewhere.

As hard as all of this was for me to take in, every bit of it has been designed to harden the armor around my gooey, soft-hearted, overly optimistic soul. I have developed true empathy for high profile folks, now that I have experienced infamy in the IAMFAM community myself. Regardless if you like what any given ‘celebrity’ represents, they have at least earned the right to be respected to some degree, in my opinion. One needs some serious balls, to stand out in our society. We are a tough crowd to WIN OVER!

So yeah…following the Illuminati will indeed change your life forever! However, it WILL cost ya…

BIG TIME!

This process will challenge every relationship you have, and every belief you hold dear. It will penetrate your soul in ways, you will not see coming -no matter how skilled you are at navigating life, before hand. The process will ask you to give things up, add things in, dig deeper and reach higher, than you ever thought you possible for you. This process will find your buried flaws through hidden cracks, and shine a Light on the deepest, darkest parts of you.

It is called initiation, Initiates. And it’s truly unbridled & beautiful hell!

Unfortunately, not all of us who have started the process, will make it through the character defining hardships, obstacles and roadblocks that have been set up to keep anything less than human excellence, from entering the halls of greatness.

I do not know, if I have what it takes to ever be a full ranking member. But I truly do not care anymore. I know that I have already been changed forever, in the most meaningful and everlasting ways. I know without a doubt, that I have become a better version of myself, which will serve me, well past the grave.

I have been burnt down, raised up and cast into the fires of refinement so many times in the last 2 .5 years, in many ways I am unrecognizable to myself. But I love this new and improved, sparkly version of V!

I have been literally set aflame, by the matches held by the Illuminati themselves. I mean, how cool it THAT?

It doesn’t matter if I ever see in the inside of this Pyramid, or the infamous White Room…I can clearly see the incredible changes on the inside of me, and I like em’. All of these growing pains, will indeed serve my soul, as I make my way through the rest of my life.

My eternal gratitude and loyalty, is not enough to repay The Illuminati, for allowing me the opportunity to be tested by them, regardless of the end result. It has been truly a privilege, I still cannot even believe, I am actually participating in!! Everyone needs to understand what an honor it is, just to apply!

This is a brilliant road and a breathless journey that anyone who wants to, is invited to travel. Although…This path is NOT for everyone. But what you gain as a result of the refinement process, is priceless.

So if you find yourself in hell. And life is coming at you six ways to Sunday, from every possible angle…When you think you can take no more and that you are drowning…PLEASE

keep swimming!

It is totally worth it, once you are out of the deep end of the pool.

I PROMISE!!

There is pure, unfiltered sunshine, on the shores that beckon just ahead, my friends!! Know that your temporary hardships are merely indicators that you are actually on the right path, and that you are being groomed for something greater, dear Beacons~

PS: This will be updated with a Part 2 in the coming weeks, as I am still in initiation~

9/6/2018