Course Correction~

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Kicking and Screaming~

I’ve been really sick.

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I was really sick & tired for about 6 months.

 

When I quit smoking, it sent me straight to Hell and into Hypothyroidism that went unchecked for 3 months. As a result, I gained 5 pounds a week for 8 weeks in a row, pouring a swift and staggering 40lbs onto my petite frame. Far more than the standard 10 lbs one can expect, from the slow down to the system that smoking cessation typically creates. It was the freaking WORST!!

I was miserable!

And I do mean MISERABLE, in every possible way!!

Not only did I suffer the worst that Hypothyroidism could throw at me: Puffy face, extreme fatigue, hoarseness, muscle weakness, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, zero concentration, weight gain, more hair loss, and some bonus depression. I had to deal with the withdrawals from smoking, on top of all that! It threw me into a radical, personal pole shift, no doubt about it. There was so much going on with my body that I had no control over, I was a veritable stranger in my own skin. I hated every other ounce that had found it’s way into every area of my body. I was an emotional shipwreck, washed up onto territory that was completely foreign to me.  I had no idea what to do with myself, besides consult a physician and possibly a psychiatrist. I was all but lost, without my 40 year constant companion, who could always calm me down.

I WAS IN CONSTANT PAIN.

I was afraid that was my new normal.

My body hurt everywhere but especially my legs and my hands. I felt like a balloon that had been blown up too quickly, just shy of the popping point. I felt like I was as full as one could possibly be, without actually exploding. Carrying this new weight HURT! I was too damn tired to carry it, too! It hurt physically like I would never have imagined, but also it hurt me mentally too. It really threw me to the ground in a way nothing had before. I thought, WOW… IAM really found me weak point now, good for them!

I’m SCREWED.

I was not a gal that ever really worried about how she looked, and certainly not my weight, so this was very left field for me. But with the world potentially watching me turn into Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka, my pain was magnified by raw embarrassment and the idea that my enemies would actually delight in my suffering. 

I found myself facing all the fears, every human who does not feel perfect, faces. This fear was tangible, and quite the heavy low down. I suddenly felt a monumental heaviness for every overweight person on the planet, who felt they did not measure up to the impossible standards, of a freaking hanger. I developed sympatico for the kind of worries only high profile folks are subject to that I previously had no understanding of.  It is bad enough having to hit a low cycle in your life, it is exponentially more horrific doing so, while god and everyone is watching. I felt for every single one of us, and it made me cry.

A lot.

I am not going to lie, there were times that I wished with all my heart, I would just go to sleep and not wake up, so I could avoid the ongoing humiliation and the colossal amount of work that lay ahead. I absolutely did not want to face what I needed to, to get past this hurdle. I did not want to do this!! I was pissy-pot-pie on pep pills. I was dragging my tail behind me like a 800 lb leash. I was spitting nails angry that I would have to undo, what never should have occurred to begin with -had my doctor been a better advocate for my health. I knew the only way to get through this terrible turn of events, was going to require a whole bunch of effort on my part to fix.  I cannot even describe how pissed off I was about it.  Brad can though. He knows. He was my primary higher witness. He was the one I reached out to for the most part, although Papa and Christine were there for me also.

I called Brad a lot, so he caught the brunt of my furious rage. I called him crying, screaming, ranting, whimpering and too angry to speak. I called him just about every single day for months, working myself into lather almost every time I did.  He witnessed my death throes and I promise you, it wasn’t pretty. I had no way to dial myself down without a cigarette! I was screaming to the moon without a safety harness. I am convinced Brad must have put me on mute to get through the bulk of it. The endless repetition would have driven me crazy, but Brad took it like, he was actually paid to deal with me. No really. That is exactly how I would describe it. He really was a rock, on the other side of my hard place. I was frozen in my angst for months, before I was able to get moving again. My anger had eclipsed everything in my life, and I had become a shadow unto myself. 

The most horrific part of this for me was, dealing with the mirror. The one staring back at me was “Consumption V”, the version of myself who drank far to much to avoid her pain. I buried her almost 11 years ago, and here she was again, bloated and ready to gloat. It was incredibly hard to face her. I did not get sober and quit killing myself slowly, to face HER again!! Her very presence added insult to injury, and damn near pushed me, over the edge of myself. 

I was absolutely distraught.

INCONSOLABLE; REALLY.

Literally everything I knew how to do to move pass this, I ignored. I was obsessively hanging black crepe, in an effort to hide the terrible truth. The terrible truth was, there was no short cut! There was no easy fix. There was no savior on their way to magically fat burn me down and spit me out fabulous! I was ultimately going to have to move all the way through this alone, and it was going to take a tremendous amount of effort on my part, to do so. 

Grrrrrrrr(SPIT)Hisssssssss~

After a couple of professional examinations of my heart, and lungs, I got off my fat arse and started moving. It was my second attempt to do so. I had started with the gym the moment I became a non-smoker, but had to pause until my doc could figure out what was going on with my body. When I first started “Striding” (a combo of running, walking & occasionally some interpretive dance) I was so freaking out of shape, I could barely move myself at all. I felt like I was carrying 600 lbs of cement on top of my 800lb tail. It was such a drag! Quite literally. I was glad I had all the tests for my heart first, because it felt like I was having a heart attack every time I worked it out, for the first couple of weeks. I could not even believe how out of shape I was overall, having not been in a gym for 2 decades. I promise you when I say, there are a couple of smokers in my neighborhood that know I bawled my way through, many of my strides!

I hated every minute of the first several weeks of it.

I did not lose weight.

I GAINED it!

I was the biggest baby you have ever seen, and Brad heard it all. He would do everything he could, to intuitively diagnosis what ailed me, no doubt hoping my angst would end soon. It was he (and my mum) who suggested the thyroid was out of whack, when all my other tests were coming back normal.  I really am grateful to him for his time and efforts! He went to heroics for me, he really did.

But the thing that bothered me the most throughout this entire ordeal, was the fact that I could no longer feel the presence of The Illuminati in my life. I felt fully abandoned by them. I could not feel them in any way, shape, or form, even though it was clear my Initiation was still in progress, throughout it all.  I know, I know…they are always watching. But for me, it seemed they got into their space ships and decided to watch me from Saturn while they turned up the heat.  I thought they no longer cared about me, or how I was feeling. I felt they had pushed me down and left me for dead, even though it was my decision to quit smoking. I had several significant fires going in that same 6 months period of time, and I can honestly say it was (by far) the hardest part of my Initiation process, to date.

The whole time I was losing my shit, I reluctantly and RESENTFULLY moved towards the solution. I committed to exercise 5 days a week and for the most part, I followed through on that, even when I did not want to. Mostly, I did not want to. I was still livid that I even had to. The only reason I was able to show up at all, is because I knew showing up was the only way to get that person screaming at me from the back of my head, to shut the hell up. Besides, I immediately felt better knowing I was moving into a solution, even if I could not see any evidence of it.

At times I put all my heart into it and at others, I showed up halfheartedly. I showed up in the grubbiest fat clothes you can picture, but I showed up! Even when I gained an additional 7 more pounds, and I was in a state of despair as a result, I showed up.  Even when I was crying, I still showed up. I showed up to stride even if I had to take a nap beforehand, to do so.  I showed up when my legs were like painful balloons ready to pop. I showed up and strode through the freaking burning pain and the bloated loss of motion. I showed up with or without the music. With or without my enthusiasm.  And with or without any desire to do so. I hated almost every minute of it for 2 full months, possibly more, but I showed up. 

I freaking showed up!!

While I have yet to reach my goal, which is predicated on how I feel in my skin not how I look, I still feel 1000Xs better than I had before. I am starting to move more fluidly again, and the constant burning has ceased. I do not see “Consumption V” in the mirror anymore, and that alone brings a sign of relief, which has the potential to create hurricanes.

HA!

FEAR NOT!

Without a doubt, this has been one of the most challenging battles of my life. This was on par with fighting your way back from an injury, after an accident for me.  Even though it does not yet show, I can feel HaPPy and Healthy V, being carved out inside of every corner of me.  I know it will not be very much longer, before the outside matches what is happening within. I can tell you right now though, my sense of accomplishment is over the stack right now! It is especially sweet, when you didn’t even want to do the thing, that you have kicked arse, taken names and DONE!!

 

OH!! And it turns out…this exercise stuff is GREAT at diminishing the smack my head likes to talk, and it doesn’t look so bad on my legs either! I’m starting to get excited about this renovated and ravishing V, I just know will emerge; eventually! The one who faced that freaking mountain, and strode all over it, like the Victoryas Princess-Goddess that she truly, and thoroughly  is!

V~

 

 

The whole point of sharing this snippet, is to serve as a reminder for us all that we can face whatever it is, that stares us down. We can stare right back at it, face our fear, and conquer the fork out of whatever we must face.

That is a fact!

We are never given more than we can stand.

Please do NOT lose sight of that EVER, Beacons.

 

When you think you cannot do that thing, you don’t even want to do.

You can.

When you think you can go no farther, on a path you never wanted to take.

You will.

You can and you will.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Anonymous

 

 

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The REAL cost of following the Illuminati… UPDATE

I am transmitting from HELL!!

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I am completely miserable and overwhelmed. It is very difficult for me to see the Light right now, it is so fucking dim!!

However, the black crepe comes down tomorrow, regardless.

I know from experience, I will find my way out of this long dark tunnel, somehow. It surely leads to brighter days and a better view, or a return to the Light, from which I originate~

Either way, I have always been, and will always be, Victoryas!

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PS: Raven flew by and told me someone was leaving.

Riven passed away this evening~

11/26/2018

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Part 2: The REAL cost of following IAM

*For those of you not feeling the flames of refinement, I’m convinced it’s likely because you are not being groomed for greatness, yet. If your life is not being turned upside down, you may not be the leader you believe yourself to be.

Greatness is forged out of adversity, not abundance. I am sharing this for those who have been called to be Shepherds of their Species, not for the sheep they serve.

This is for those of you who are “feeling” it. I am pouring my guts onto the page so you can see you are NOT alone and be encouraged to keep swimming, by what I have shared from the depth of my soul~

MOO

I cannot help but wonder, if my life will ever be one that does not include continuous battles and hardship. Will it always be an uphill battle with no summit in site? Must I shed my skin ceaselessly upon the rocks of a path less traveled?

For as long as I can remember, there has always been something in my life to slay. I think that is why I have sought for so long, to change my name. When you have been given the name ‘Victory’, there is no end to your battles, no war -that is finally won. It announces to all you are triumph: personified. Something that is highly intimidating, to those who are still fighting to secure their own victories.

It has been a constant uphill battle for me in ways most do not know about, nor would they even understand. I am tired from a struggle no one sees. I have been surrounded by those who have no clue what I have faced in my lifetime or the toll these things have taken on my soul. I do not typically discuss the things that have sought my surrender, I write them out instead. I do so, hoping there is at least one other soul out there that understands the struggle. But alas, much of it is squirreled away, and hidden from view. Just like the relentless pain within, I cannot seem to pop the cork on.

While I did not expect anything in the way of hardship relief from The Illuminati. I did not anticipate the sharp increase in them. I had no idea there was going to be any kind of an “initiation”, much less have a clue about what they might entail. As I have stated before, I had a wonderful first year with IAM. The most unbelievable things happened to me that first year. Random things I had long desired, came to pass in a way that was nothing short of magical . It was indeed, a honeymoon of sorts that I sorely miss.

However, right around our year anniversary, things took an abrupt change, for the more challenging. The season of rest I had so enjoyed, was replaced by series of unfortunate events that have lasted 3 full years and have been explained in more detail in my article: “The REAL cost of following the Illuminati”. Even now as I enter into my 4th year, I do so with the leftovers of the previous year, unresolved.

In early December of 2018, my only sibling Brian, who has Down’s related Alzheimer’s, had 3 grand mal/tonic clonic seizures, one after another, setting off an earthquake of emotions in me I cant even write out yet, much less deal with -on any level.  As he enters into the 6th and final phase of a disease that will terminate his life, I am also preoccupied with my own illness. One that cannot remotely be compared, to what he is facing. Something that gives me an enormous amount of guilt to contemplate. My whole life has been one of guilt, since the day he was born, which will be addressed at another time. Suffice to say, it is like having an application open on your phone that you aren’t using, but it is running in the background draining your battery, never-the-less.

As 2018 gave way to 2019, the meds I took for what ails me, made me momentarily hope that my life would return to a normal pace. That somehow I could stand the challenges that haunt me, with something resembling strength, once my health had been restored.  Instead, my symptoms have returned and I started the year dealing with something I thought I had left behind me.  One look at me shows how far off of center I am. I carry almost 40 extra pounds from my smoking cessation, along with the burden knowing, it was my choices that have brought me to this place. I am deeply angry about the lack of professional care that put me in a position to gain beyond what was necessary, or normal. All under a doctors supervision. It as left me struggling to love myself, “as is”. Something I have always struggled with, being the odd man out, at all times.

I am not myself anymore. And not yet who I want to be.

I still do not smoke, but quitting was the worst thing I have done to myself, in recent decades.  Something that was suppose to improve my life, has caused me pain and grief I have yet to escape, almost 5 months later. My entire ecosystem has been rend asunder. But the most grievous of all, is the dreaded depression that has returned to gloat over a life that is already weaken, by the constant strain of rapid and radical change. While I type, tears fall hot and streaming, on a face that does not smile, like it used to.

2018 ended with far too many people taking my personal inventory and an announcement that the hotel I work at, had been sold. Thus leaving my job security at risk and my benefits diminished. All of it more than I can stand; today. And yesterday.

To add insult to injury, I know that there are those who claim to follow the Light, that will revel in my unraveling. Those self-righteous bullies, who will find joy in my pain. While others equally as disingenuous, feign concern publicly and mock in private. Those that have condemned me for my imperfect humanity, will celebrate my sadness, as if it had the power to elevate them; somehow. All of this not lost on me, due to a burdensome gift I have. Every bit of it contributing to the anguish I feel inside, because not even “family” can be trusted to love unconditionally. Only so called family, will actually bury their wounded.

All of which adds more tears to a bucket, already half full of them. 

This is initiation. This is the path to greatness. This is The Illuminati shedding Light on the darkest part of my soul. This is me struggling to rise to the occasion.

As awful as I am feeling, I know I am not alone. All around me there are those who are struggling to the same degree as I, or even more so. I have watched several people implode and become institutionalized, as a result of this process. I have seen many others, on the verge of suicide.  Neither of which is an option for me, personally. So anyone suggesting otherwise for any reason, do not know what I am made of. Or my history. Even in a broken state, I am stronger than most. So do not think for even one second, this extended walk through hell, will ever keep me from the summit. I will always climb skyward, even if I must crawl through some of the most difficult terrain.

I am not sure how The Illuminati is able to shine the Light into the deepest parts of our soul, but surely they do. They silently ask that we be all we can be, and somehow let us see the things that are preventing us from doing so. Demons long ago locked away, are released into the wild for a final battle, for all the cookies. Nothing remains hidden, for those who seek to be as the hidden hand. An irony so profound, it is lost on most Initiates.

What IAM does to deal with me, is not the same as they will do with you. Each path is as unique as those, who travel it. In my circle, the hand print of IAM cannot be mistaken. Although each one of us are having a totally different experience, and relationship with the illuminated ones.  I have been privy to the extreme ways in which IAM will let their presence be known to others, never having said an audible word, to those they guide.

In my case, I have been rightly abandoned and left for dead.

A closeness I once felt in the early days of this movement, has given way to a silence so profound, it echos painfully in my soul with an unexplained longing, to be reunited with people I have never met.

I have been cast into HELL and left for metaphorical dead more that once, in the years I have been under their watchful eye.  And yet, I have always known, even when I could not ‘feel’ them, that they were there in the shadows whispering, to keep swimming. But today. Not so much. I have never felt as abandoned, as I do now. Especially in contrast to the stories my closest brothers and sisters are sharing about their journeys right now.

I literally feel the distance between The Illuminati and I. It’s like they left me trailing in the shadowy background and walked into the Light well beyond where I currently reside, or can reach. A distance so palpable, I can literally taste the bitterness, left in the misty wake of it.  It makes me sick to think they have left me behind. That maybe I have cried waaaay too much, or have said, written, or recorded something I shouldn’t have, to be in the company of the Greats. It is the worst feeling EVER. Worse than the abandonment of a long time lover. It is on par with GOD turning his back on me, leaving me alone in the pit of Hades with a darkness so pervasive, it is starting to drive me mad. I often think to myself, who are these people that have gotten under my skin like this?? And how far from madness am I really, when I long to be reunited with people I have never met??

I ask myself over and over again, why am I being punished? What have I done sooo wrong, to make them turn their backs on me? Where is their humanity? How can they watch me suffer and offer no comfort? Who are these people, that are so heartless, they will not reach back to trembling hands that have been offered in sickening loyalty, on par with an abused dog?

Why O’ why has thou forsaken me??!!

I know I am no where near the end of the road, as the journey towards enlightenment is a lifestyle, not a destination. I have so much more to do, to prepare to for my role in the Universal Design, it’s daunting. My initiation has insisted I resolve old internal business that needs an accounting so desperately, the day of reckoning has arrived to clean house without remorse.

I am unclean with festering old wounds that are begging for healing. I am literally still and unborn in the mud, not yet sure if I will become a Lotus or perish in the weight of the ceaseless darkness I have felt within, for as long as I can remember. 

I know there are gemstones to be found in all of this, but right now, I do not feel like mining. What I want it a never-ending hug and the reassurance that all of this is leading to something, I can actually live with. I know this will pass, but I know also, another wave is coming behind this one. I wish I could see the Light on the water or the sand upon the shore. But I just don’t right now.  I can be no more honest than that.

My spiritual journey to the underworld has been laid bare before the world to consume. I have entered the deepest, darkest part of Hell. I am emotionally exhausted and dying for relief. I have been through so much, and there is so much more building within, and it seeks to pop the cork on a life that has held back things, which should have long ago, been released. If it wasn’t for a couple of Beacons in my life who understand this process, encouraging me to keep going, I would have long ago headed in another direction.  I am grateful to the ears that allow me to repeat my pain on the record, broken and bleeding from my heart. Even so, I am dead on arrival. Dead to the world. Dead in in the water. I don’t want to keep swimming, but I do not want to drown either.

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I am the Ouroboros eating my own rattling tail, hungering to be the version of myself, The Illuminati sees in me. 

Today, I have paused. I have no more strength to push. I have given myself permission to float for awhile, as I die to myself awaiting the resurrection, I know will come in the wake of my demise.  For now,  I will drift in stillness upon the reflective sewer waters of my own contaminated life, with my face in the Sun…as silent as you, IAM~

1/23/19

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Victory~

I have kept it all in, as long as I could.

I harbored the burden alone.

But the weight of all has kept me,

from wearing a crown of my own.

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I’m spilling my pain all over these pages.

So much in my life, has taken a toll.

I’m an endless well of pent up tears.

The cup, of a sensitive soul.

 

I vow to lighten it up, a load

To let go of what no longer serves.

And enter into my birthright

With the victory I so richly deserve.

🔻

 

 

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Good Grief?!

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Please allow me to share something with you about grief & sorrow.
This might not be something you have not considered before.
It’s sort of a side note, to whatever you might already know about loss and  it’s subsequent emotional pain.
I’d like to put a new spin on a shared experience as old as mankind itself. To Lighten the darkness of grief up a bit,  if not to illuminate what a glorious honor it is to be able to FEEL anything at all!
Having a body, a physical expression, is what allows us to feel things. All kinds of gooey & mucky things.
It is what makes the earth experience so heart-wrenching and emotionally treacherous to travel, at times.
All these terrific & terrifying sensations, are largely what we are here to experience, perhaps even master.
Sorrow is the deepest level of loss. Our level of grief, is in direct proportion, to our level of connection. Like invisible strings that pull at our hearts. Not only are our emotions engaged, but it can be physically felt. Grief when profound, can literally make one feel as if they are dying.
For example, “heart broken” feels exactly like the heart IS breaking inside your chest. I have felt this myself, and marveled at the fact I didn’t bleed out and die!
Thankfully, the horrors of pain associated with acute grief, passes through on short lived waves, which lessen in severity with time.
No one wants or enjoys losing something or someone of great value to them. Even if the loss is ultimately for the best.
 
It simply SUCKS.
And it hurts.
It hurts like a thousands knifes stabbing at the soul.
Human beings will do anything to avoid emotional pain.
We drink, we drug, we overeat. You name it, if we can avoid it, we will.
However, denial of our grief does not make it go away. Resisting the natural & healthy urge to “hang black crepe”, can lead to further complications from suppression.
Unexpressed grief simply lies in wait, like a rattlesnake coiled & rattling…undermining our ability to heal properly and unlining all manner of deductions and addictions.
So perhaps we would benefit from embracing our temporary afflictions instead?
Knowing emotional pain is actually just a temporary, intense & uncomfortable expression, of our deep capacity to love & connect to others!
What seems like the darkest part of life, is actually just the rough edges of the incredible privilege, of being alive.

The next time you find yourself in sorrows vice-like embrace, remember for a moment…what an excruciating honor it is… to be able to feel her at all~

Namaste’ Beacons~

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To tell them or not?

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Most people in my life these days have no idea about my past. It’s not that I have intentionally withheld it, rather it just isn’t something that I even think about anymore. It isn’t my focus & hasn’t been for years.

When my scar was fresh, I was always worried it would be noticed & I would be forced to explain. The shame associated with surviving hell, prevented me from sharing much of anything. Truly, I was working hard towards just forgetting the entire thing but unfortunately, it is a wound that required professional treatment that did not seem to exist and home remedies were scarce in 1980. Even my fairly evolved church at that time, was not equipped to deal with my level of horror, so I quickly exited their counseling. They don’t like divorce. So… I needed more than what they were offering. It became evident I was going to have to self heal.

I waded through much of my despair myself. My story didn’t read like a made for tv movie in which the drunk punk comes home & beats his wife over cold carrots. My tormentor was much more ritualistic than that. And his level of abuse seemed damn near professional. So it wasn’t like I could point to something and simply say,  “it was like that”. That is what I experienced…Help me Please!

Plus it began when I was in the Marine Corps. Back then, those guys had no idea how to deal with “women’s” issues, so I was farmed out to a small town therapist who was not able to do much better. My whole life at that time, was a walking blur. A struggle to get through each day deprived of sleep and experimenting with drugs designed to facilitate an altered reality. Plus others to keep me wake. Thankfully the drugs faded as we moved off base and became more isolated. His crazy level was off the charts as the closest neighbors were not necessarily in ear shot. But damn, he was soooo charming, when he wanted to be. All psychopaths are.

The curious mix of terrorist & saint kept my emotions in such turmoil, it was impossible to get a baseline on myself. I was really not in my body much during those times. I simply do not know how I showed up for anything.

When we 1st met, I was captivated by his colorful reasons for arriving in the desert, and his freaking mouth. Something about this way his mouth moved. I was transfixed. I imagine Chris Brown has this same certain something. It doesn’t show up in pictures and you would not see it unless it was directed at you. It is a hypnotic element perhaps only the most cunning among us possess. I am not altogether sure it is human in nature, but rather something much darker than your garden variety coo-coo. Honestly. This guy made my drunken, rape riddled teens, look like a poor warm up to meeting a full blown predator.

Really, the only reason why I am telling you this at all… is because it woke me up. or started the process rolling that way for sure.

I would say it was a divinely appointed ‘wake the fuck up kinda thing’. I really was descending into my own custom created  sensation seeking vibe, before I even met this guy. so I take full responsibility for marrying him simply based on that mouth, and the orgasms. Lol. I really had the hugest blind spot going at 19. I am sure he could smell my angst before I came around the corner of his life. We married within 3 weeks of meeting because you know, I was mad at my now divorcing parents and again, he was sooooooooooo charming…

I really cant describe the level of auto pilot I was on, when I from out of nowhere, chose to join the Marine Corps vs College. I had a profound longing to distance myself from a life I had no control of. My teens were a cocktail of rumors, rape & substance fueled emotional retardation. So I bolted pretty much blind. I am pretty sure I was already sending energetic distress signals, foolishly giving my position away. I seriously have no idea why I was wandering around, unattended anyway. I had no idea what kind of crazy, lay past the crazy in my own head.

Few few were taught about energy & vibration when I was growing up. Or how it can be magnified by hormones, isolation, ignorance. So there was no awareness about the Laws of Attraction. However our parents of the age did always warn against “strangers”… I personally did not know what that meant. Age old wisdom distilled into a commandment, no one cared to expand upon, were the juices I was cooked in….

To be continued ~

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