To tell them or not?

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Most people in my life these days have no idea about my past. It’s not that I have intentionally withheld it, rather it just isn’t something that I even think about anymore. It isn’t my focus & hasn’t been for years.

When my scar was fresh, I was always worried it would be noticed & I would be forced to explain. The shame associated with surviving hell, prevented me from sharing much of anything. Truly, I was working hard towards just forgetting the entire thing but unfortunately, it is a wound that required professional treatment that did not seem to exist and home remedies were scarce in 1980. Even my fairly evolved church at that time, was not equipped to deal with my level of horror, so I quickly exited their counseling. They don’t like divorce. So… I needed more than what they were offering. It became evident I was going to have to self heal.

I waded through much of my despair myself. My story didn’t read like a made for tv movie in which the drunk punk comes home & beats his wife over cold carrots. My tormentor was much more ritualistic than that. And his level of abuse seemed damn near professional. So it wasn’t like I could point to something and simply say,  “it was like that”. That is what I experienced…Help me Please!

Plus it began when I was in the Marine Corps. Back then, those guys had no idea how to deal with “women’s” issues, so I was farmed out to a small town therapist who was not able to do much better. My whole life at that time, was a walking blur. A struggle to get through each day deprived of sleep and experimenting with drugs designed to facilitate an altered reality. Plus others to keep me wake. Thankfully the drugs faded as we moved off base and became more isolated. His crazy level was off the charts as the closest neighbors were not necessarily in ear shot. But damn, he was soooo charming, when he wanted to be. All psychopaths are.

The curious mix of terrorist & saint kept my emotions in such turmoil, it was impossible to get a baseline on myself. I was really not in my body much during those times. I simply do not know how I showed up for anything.

When we 1st met, I was captivated by his colorful reasons for arriving in the desert, and his freaking mouth. Something about this way his mouth moved. I was transfixed. I imagine Chris Brown has this same certain something. It doesn’t show up in pictures and you would not see it unless it was directed at you. It is a hypnotic element perhaps only the most cunning among us possess. I am not altogether sure it is human in nature, but rather something much darker than your garden variety coo-coo. Honestly. This guy made my drunken, rape riddled teens, look like a poor warm up to meeting a full blown predator.

Really, the only reason why I am telling you this at all… is because it woke me up. or started the process rolling that way for sure.

I would say it was a divinely appointed ‘wake the fuck up kinda thing’. I really was descending into my own custom created  sensation seeking vibe, before I even met this guy. so I take full responsibility for marrying him simply based on that mouth, and the orgasms. Lol. I really had the hugest blind spot going at 19. I am sure he could smell my angst before I came around the corner of his life. We married within 3 weeks of meeting because you know, I was mad at my now divorcing parents and again, he was sooooooooooo charming…

I really cant describe the level of auto pilot I was on, when I from out of nowhere, chose to join the Marine Corps vs College. I had a profound longing to distance myself from a life I had no control of. My teens were a cocktail of rumors, rape & substance fueled emotional retardation. So I bolted pretty much blind. I am pretty sure I was already sending energetic distress signals, foolishly giving my position away. I seriously have no idea why I was wandering around, unattended anyway. I had no idea what kind of crazy, lay past the crazy in my own head.

Few few were taught about energy & vibration when I was growing up. Or how it can be magnified by hormones, isolation, ignorance. So there was no awareness about the Laws of Attraction. However our parents of the age did always warn against “strangers”… I personally did not know what that meant. Age old wisdom distilled into a commandment, no one cared to expand upon, were the juices I was cooked in….

To be continued ~

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I am Predator.

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My name is Predator… and you are gonna LOVE me!

I am a human without conscious. I am not hard wired the same way you are. I am estimated to be 4% of the human population.  You should know up front… no amount of your hope or prayers will ever change the fact, that my brain does not function like the average human being.  I lack empathy, emotion & a spiritual connection with others.

However, I am highly intelligent, cunning, strategic and patient. I can mimic what I see other humans do, in order to gain their trust.  I look for my prey wherever you find the isolated & disenfranchised. I can smell desperation & insecurity. I will exploit your deepest fears in order to gain power over you, once I have gained your trust. I will flatter you with your love language & attentiveness. I will use it to separate you from your tribe, ye the entire herd. I will slowly eliminate those nearest & dearest to you so I may isolate your mind for my programming. I will bend your will to my own, one way or another. You will be my possession and I will play with you for as long as it suits me. And I play rough!

I get off on your fear. I am stimulated by complete control over you. It turns me on to slowly break you. I seek to see you bow your will to mine, as I triumphantly take life as you knew it, away from you. I actually enjoy using your love or adoration for me, against you. I don’t love you. I am incapable of love. But you will never know it.  You are too stupid to know it.

Countless authors & doctors have warned you about my socio/psychopathic type, but you have no healthy fear of my kind. Maybe it is because we look just like you, that you cannot fully appreciate our dangerous minds. We totally blend into your societies. We are like skinny green snakes in tall grass and we are always on the hunt.  We can be found literally everywhere, from your boardrooms to your bedrooms.

There is only one thing on earth we fear…        your awareness.

Facing Evil~

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Would it surprise you to know… that NO soul, at it’s core, is inherently “evil” ?

It is simply not possible!

We are all fractal parts of the eternally magnificent Love-Light, regardless of how poorly we behave.
The word evil, simply defined, means immorality. Immorality itself is a constantly evolving thing.

Couple that with an ‘unloving’ attitude and a larger picture emerges.

Think behaviors ranging from hostility to homicide.
We as a people, who are the physical embodiment of the Divine Light; define immorality. And it shifts with the sands of time, as we move into closer alignment with the Light & Love that animates us all.

The current acceptance of the LGBT community, is a perfect example of this. As we evolve past outdated & rigid religious ideals… what once was considered a vile abomination out of ignorance, is found to be just just another luminous expression of love, when inspected under perfect light. 

Never mind  it wasn’t THAT long ago, that dancing was considered evil!

While heinous acts have been a dark shadow on ordinary life, it is by no means the norm, nor are we ‘surrounded’ by it. It does not have wings and is not contagious.  You were not born a “sinner”…

You were born a fool. 

You were not born evil.  You have been born into a place where immorality is a choice.

Maybe it is time for us to begin to understand the difference?

One last note regarding the nature of modern evil. We now know the ordinary face of it belongs to socio & psychopaths.  This is a birth anomaly and/or brain damage thing, and not reflective of human choice.  One is simply born that way. While many of the most hideous acts are committed by these people, they themselves are a fractal part of our society.

I caution anyone who structures their world view of evil, based on the nightly news.  Please don’t buy into the fear your evil neighbor mentality, because chances are,  they are as loving as you are… even IF they are currently a transgendered politician on the opposite aisle as you !
(wink)
V~

(This one is likely to be expanded upon as my opinions regarding the LGBT movement do not end with one comment)