Archive for the ‘Feelings,’ Category

*For those of you not feeling the flames of refinement, I’m convinced it’s likely because you are not being groomed for greatness, yet. If your life is not being turned upside down, you may not be the leader you believe yourself to be.

Greatness is forged out of adversity, not abundance. I am sharing this for those who have been called to be Shepherds of their Species, not for the sheep they serve.

This is for those of you who are “feeling” it. I am pouring my guts onto the page so you can see you are NOT alone and be encouraged to keep swimming, by what I have shared from the depth of my soul~

MOO

I cannot help but wonder, if my life will ever be one that does not include continuous battles and hardship. Will it always be an uphill battle with no summit in site? Must I shed my skin ceaselessly upon the rocks of a path less traveled?

For as long as I can remember, there has always been something in my life to slay. I think that is why I have sought for so long, to change my name. When you have been given the name ‘Victory’, there is no end to your battles, no war -that is finally won. It announces to all you are triumph: personified. Something that is highly intimidating, to those who are still fighting to secure their own victories.

It has been a constant uphill battle for me in ways most do not know about, nor would they even understand. I am tired from a struggle no one sees. I have been surrounded by those who have no clue what I have faced in my lifetime or the toll these things have taken on my soul. I do not typically discuss the things that have sought my surrender, I write them out instead. I do so, hoping there is at least one other soul out there that understands the struggle. But alas, much of it is squirreled away, and hidden from view. Just like the relentless pain within, I cannot seem to pop the cork on.

While I did not expect anything in the way of hardship relief from The Illuminati. I did not anticipate the sharp increase in them. I had no idea there was going to be any kind of an “initiation”, much less have a clue about what they might entail. As I have stated before, I had a wonderful first year with IAM. The most unbelievable things happened to me that first year. Random things I had long desired, came to pass in a way that was nothing short of magical . It was indeed, a honeymoon of sorts that I sorely miss.

However, right around our year anniversary, things took an abrupt change, for the more challenging. The season of rest I had so enjoyed, was replaced by series of unfortunate events that have lasted 3 full years and have been explained in more detail in my article: “The REAL cost of following the Illuminati”. Even now as I enter into my 4th year, I do so with the leftovers of the previous year, unresolved.

In early December of 2018, my only sibling Brian, who has Down’s related Alzheimer’s, had 3 grand mal/tonic clonic seizures, one after another, setting off an earthquake of emotions in me I cant even write out yet, much less deal with -on any level.  As he enters into the 6th and final phase of a disease that will terminate his life, I am also preoccupied with my own illness. One that cannot remotely be compared, to what he is facing. Something that gives me an enormous amount of guilt to contemplate. My whole life has been one of guilt, since the day he was born, which will be addressed at another time. Suffice to say, it is like having an application open on your phone that you aren’t using, but it is running in the background draining your battery, never-the-less.

As 2018 gave way to 2019, the meds I took for what ails me, made me momentarily hope that my life would return to a normal pace. That somehow I could stand the challenges that haunt me, with something resembling strength, once my health had been restored.  Instead, my symptoms have returned and I started the year dealing with something I thought I had left behind me.  One look at me shows how far off of center I am. I carry almost 40 extra pounds from my smoking cessation, along with the burden knowing, it was my choices that have brought me to this place. I am deeply angry about the lack of professional care that put me in a position to gain beyond what was necessary, or normal. All under a doctors supervision. It as left me struggling to love myself, “as is”. Something I have always struggled with, being the odd man out, at all times.

I am not myself anymore. And not yet who I want to be.

I still do not smoke, but quitting was the worst thing I have done to myself, in recent decades.  Something that was suppose to improve my life, has caused me pain and grief I have yet to escape, almost 5 months later. My entire ecosystem has been rend asunder. But the most grievous of all, is the dreaded depression that has returned to gloat over a life that is already weaken, by the constant strain of rapid and radical change. While I type, tears fall hot and streaming, on a face that does not smile, like it used to.

2018 ended with far too many people taking my personal inventory and an announcement that the hotel I work at, had been sold. Thus leaving my job security at risk and my benefits diminished. All of it more than I can stand; today. And yesterday.

To add insult to injury, I know that there are those who claim to follow the Light, that will revel in my unraveling. Those self-righteous bullies, who will find joy in my pain. While others equally as disingenuous, feign concern publicly and mock in private. Those that have condemned me for my imperfect humanity, will celebrate my sadness, as if it had the power to elevate them; somehow. All of this not lost on me, due to a burdensome gift I have. Every bit of it contributing to the anguish I feel inside, because not even “family” can be trusted to love unconditionally. Only so called family, will actually bury their wounded.

All of which adds more tears to a bucket, already half full of them. 

This is initiation. This is the path to greatness. This is The Illuminati shedding Light on the darkest part of my soul. This is me struggling to rise to the occasion.

As awful as I am feeling, I know I am not alone. All around me there are those who are struggling to the same degree as I, or even more so. I have watched several people implode and become institutionalized, as a result of this process. I have seen many others, on the verge of suicide.  Neither of which is an option for me, personally. So anyone suggesting otherwise for any reason, do not know what I am made of. Or my history. Even in a broken state, I am stronger than most. So do not think for even one second, this extended walk through hell, will ever keep me from the summit. I will always climb skyward, even if I must crawl through some of the most difficult terrain.

I am not sure how The Illuminati is able to shine the Light into the deepest parts of our soul, but surely they do. They silently ask that we be all we can be, and somehow let us see the things that are preventing us from doing so. Demons long ago locked away, are released into the wild for a final battle, for all the cookies. Nothing remains hidden, for those who seek to be as the hidden hand. An irony so profound, it is lost on most Initiates.

What IAM does to deal with me, is not the same as they will do with you. Each path is as unique as those, who travel it. In my circle, the hand print of IAM cannot be mistaken. Although each one of us are having a totally different experience, and relationship with the illuminated ones.  I have been privy to the extreme ways in which IAM will let their presence be known to others, never having said an audible word, to those they guide.

In my case, I have been rightly abandoned and left for dead.

A closeness I once felt in the early days of this movement, has given way to a silence so profound, it echos painfully in my soul with an unexplained longing, to be reunited with people I have never met.

I have been cast into HELL and left for metaphorical dead more that once, in the years I have been under their watchful eye.  And yet, I have always known, even when I could not ‘feel’ them, that they were there in the shadows whispering, to keep swimming. But today. Not so much. I have never felt as abandoned, as I do now. Especially in contrast to the stories my closest brothers and sisters are sharing about their journeys right now.

I literally feel the distance between The Illuminati and I. It’s like they left me trailing in the shadowy background and walked into the Light well beyond where I currently reside, or can reach. A distance so palpable, I can literally taste the bitterness, left in the misty wake of it.  It makes me sick to think they have left me behind. That maybe I have cried waaaay too much, or have said, written, or recorded something I shouldn’t have, to be in the company of the Greats. It is the worst feeling EVER. Worse than the abandonment of a long time lover. It is on par with GOD turning his back on me, leaving me alone in the pit of Hades with a darkness so pervasive, it is starting to drive me mad. I often think to myself, who are these people that have gotten under my skin like this?? And how far from madness am I really, when I long to be reunited with people I have never met??

I ask myself over and over again, why am I being punished? What have I done sooo wrong, to make them turn their backs on me? Where is their humanity? How can they watch me suffer and offer no comfort? Who are these people, that are so heartless, they will not reach back to trembling hands that have been offered in sickening loyalty, on par with an abused dog?

Why O’ why has thou forsaken me??!!

I know I am no where near the end of the road, as the journey towards enlightenment is a lifestyle, not a destination. I have so much more to do, to prepare to for my role in the Universal Design, it’s daunting. My initiation has insisted I resolve old internal business that needs an accounting so desperately, the day of reckoning has arrived to clean house without remorse.

I am unclean with festering old wounds that are begging for healing. I am literally still and unborn in the mud, not yet sure if I will become a Lotus or perish in the weight of the ceaseless darkness I have felt within, for as long as I can remember. 

I know there are gemstones to be found in all of this, but right now, I do not feel like mining. What I want it a never-ending hug and the reassurance that all of this is leading to something, I can actually live with. I know this will pass, but I know also, another wave is coming behind this one. I wish I could see the Light on the water or the sand upon the shore. But I just don’t right now.  I can be no more honest than that.

My spiritual journey to the underworld has been laid bare before the world to consume. I have entered the deepest, darkest part of Hell. I am emotionally exhausted and dying for relief. I have been through so much, and there is so much more building within, and it seeks to pop the cork on a life that has held back things, which should have long ago, been released. If it wasn’t for a couple of Beacons in my life who understand this process, encouraging me to keep going, I would have long ago headed in another direction.  I am grateful to the ears that allow me to repeat my pain on the record, broken and bleeding from my heart. Even so, I am dead on arrival. Dead to the world. Dead in in the water. I don’t want to keep swimming, but I do not want to drown either.

ouroboros

I am the Ouroboros eating my own rattling tail, hungering to be the version of myself, The Illuminati sees in me. 

Today, I have paused. I have no more strength to push. I have given myself permission to float for awhile, as I die to myself awaiting the resurrection, I know will come in the wake of my demise.  For now,  I will drift in stillness upon the reflective sewer waters of my own contaminated life, with my face in the Sun…as silent as you, IAM~

1/23/19

Feelings~

Posted: February 1, 2019 in Feelings,, Logic, Rational, Thoughts
Tags: ,

I am releasing my archives. Cleaning out my Drafts. Some of what I have written has been directed specifically to my descendants and address things that were going on at the time I started processing it on ‘paper’. This particular piece was born out of a convo the Boomers in my family were having about our Millennial kids. As Boomers, we were raised by parents who rarely expressed emotion, compared with our children, who tend to express them exclusively. I worked on this one several times since I started it awhile back. It starts out as an emotional rant and gives way to something more rational. I cleaned it up a tad, but have let it stand raw and as is, because it is a live demonstration of my “process”.

man-woman-hide-true-feelings-260nw-432517276

Feelings.

Grrrr, Hisssssssss~

I love to resent them!

And in many cases, I might actually hate them.

They are such a fucking drag at times!! I hate the way they get in my way!!

I really REALLY do not like “feelings”.

If I could avoid them all together, I would. 

I probably would anyway.

Well…I might!!

Well, not really. Feelings can be cool!

But DAMN!!

From sorrow to surprise and falling in love, we can be completely held captive by these bizarre human sensory experiences that we have zero control over, as a lot of them stem from chemical reactions. We only have control over how we choose to express or contain them.

I know it is human to feel stuff. I get it. But as a WOMEN, this is magnified for me. We feel emotional things more. As a ‘hormonal women’, I  feel everything exponentially, right now. I am an adult teenager and I freaking totally hate it!!

Oh. My. God

(Grits Teeth)

What a curse it can be, to be the polar opposite of Spock!  Hormone driven emotional outburst are problematic for all gals, and it isn’t just a generalization I mean, isn’t that why some MAN named them, Whore-Moans??

WELL… IS IT?!?!

I literally have to wade through my feelings, to get reach rationality. It pisses me off that I have to go through all of that. Plus, it gets super challenging once every forking month. Given I have been challenged with a hormone based illness, it has been magnified to epic levels, of the worst kind. To the point where I can’t even stand myself, so I can see why others might have a problem with hormone driven, crazy too!

(Brad).

But I am not here today to talk about my feelings.

Screw that!!

I am here today to talk about YOURS!

So let’s talk about your feeling, or more precisely I want to speak to the generation that feels they should not only express them every chance they get, they make vital decisions based on them!! A recent search online says demonstrates humanity is leaning towards feelings being more important than FACTS?!

WTH???

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

While new scientific research suggests that emotions contribute to rational decision making, and indeed plays a role in epistemic reasoning, it does not mean we should solely rely on our feelings when making critical life changing choices.  From the pulpit to the mall, da man has been triggering our emotions to sell us stuff since the moment they realized how to pull at our heart strings. And we fall for it every time. Given this method has been used against us in every conceivable way, why wouldn’t the practice make it’s way into our educational halls.  Now we have the science to prove it logic sits dangerously close to emotion at the table of choices.

YIKES

But what does that mean exactly. Does is automatically mean our emotional feelings should govern our life, and trump the thinking of the rationally minded? We know that in the absence of human emotions, we have pure logic, as Governor. But that is the mindset of a psychopath. So do we want the purely logical calling the shots?

HELL NO!

That doesn’t ‘feel’ right!

We are more than capable of using both to navigate our lives! So we absolutely should. Feelings, senses, logic based on experience, all have their place. REGARDLESS if we live in a manipulative culture than seeks to celebrate one over the other. We MUST think this one out for ourselves.

So this is how I do it. This is what works for me and I am not alone. All the true grownups in the room, do this too:

I wade through the uncomfortable and sometimes extreme emotions BEFORE I make any decision, and drive…that is straight up dangerous. And if at all possible, I do so privately or in the presence of a trusted friend/family member. It is what well seasoned, people of maturity do. Basically, because we have learned the hard way, this is a better way of doing business.

Only a child mixes the two and shoots from the hip. I know this is preferable and far less stressful, because I was actually a kid at one point, who allowed my feelings to rule my kingdom. My life has become far less chaotic, since I have chosen to honor both feeling and thinking, for the valuable human resources they are. I am hoping my “grands” will be far more rational than their parents. 

Thank heavens, the pendulum continues to rock back and forth. It will eventually swing us all to something resembling stasis, as we evolve through each generation, as a species. As long as the “feeling” generation, doesn’t feel like blowing us all up, before then, that is!

HEHE

 

(Revisit for edits and updates. Orig 2018)

Victory~

Posted: January 24, 2019 in Feelings,, Grief, Hardships, Storms, Victory
Tags: , , ,

I have kept it all in, as long as I could.

I harbored the burden alone.

But the weight of all has kept me,

from wearing a crown of my own.

bleeding-eye

I’m spilling my pain all over these pages.

So much in my life, has taken a toll.

I’m an endless well of pent up tears.

The cup, of a sensitive soul.

 

I vow to lighten it up, a load

To let go of what no longer serves.

And enter into my birthright

With the victory I so richly deserve.

🔻