I am cleaning up behind the scenes here, and I found this one. This is very much a work in progress I need to complete. It was buried so deep in my archives, I actually forgot I had it. It needs to be finished. I figure I have a better chance of doing so, if it is out where I can see it so I can be reminded. This document is an overview of my spiritual journey. So it likely will not interest most of you. Keep in mind if you do decide to read it, this is a rough draft, so it will change considerably, as I finalize it. It should be noted this is intended to be delivered orally so much of the magic is lost in a simple outline.
This is my story, as I remember it. At 58, unimportant things no longer stick out, and only the things of substance endure. Each pivot point in my life has come with a shift in the winds. While we can sail through life without conscious navigation, the journey becomes far more fascinating, when we realize we can actually steer our lives in every possible way. This is how I found my way, so far~
Passion from Childhood
So you’re probably wondering how I got here.
And I’d love to share with you because not every path is straight. But they all lead to the same destination. And I’d like to be able to share my point of view with you, to demonstrate what I mean by that. So bear with me some parts are more interesting than others, but all of it is headed somewhere.
I am here with you today to inspire and encourage you to find and follow the Light, within. This Light, resides within the fabric of our being. It is the ultimate internal compass, our road map, for our individual journeys towards our maximum potential. It is when we reach our maximum potential, that we can become on par, with “god” aka the Brilliant Mastermind.
Now hold up before anybody starts freaking out right from the beginning, I’m going to explain what all that means. I’ll contextualize it in a way that you can understand exactly what I’m trying to articulate, so that you can put it in your pipe and smoke it and see if it resonates with you on any level. Because the children of the Light will know what I’m saying is true. Your journey lead you here, so that you could have that a-ha realization that we really are all in this thing together, and going somewhere !!
So here we go!!
Now mind you, this was so long ago I may be off on the sequence. And I really do not remember that much about my childhood, for whatever reason. But this “god” guy, was always the thing for me. From the moment I heard about him, I was IN.
My mom farmed me off to vacation Bible school for a week when I was impressionable. I distinctly remember when I was told about Jesus for the first time. Because I remember thinking to myself, “oh that’s what we’re calling it here.“ I’m ashamed to say I conspired with another little gal that week, to say she was new, and I brought her, so I could earn a small white, gold edged, red letter edition of the New Testament, at like 6 years old! And then of course me being me from the very beginning, felt bad and ratted myself out to the teacher, who gave it to me anyway! So yeah, felonies! My parents didn’t go to church. They only had me baptized in the church of England. So I wouldn’t go to hell. And they did send me to that teenage holy Eucharist thing as a tween. And I liked a lot of it but some of it was just too weird for me. But I did my thing anyway.
Oddly enough when I was young. I preferred the Warner Bros. to Disney and Kathryn Kuhlman to Bugs Bunny if I ran across to her! I can honestly say I don’t even recall what she was talking about. And I just recently learned she was a faith healer if you can believe that ha ha Ha thank you Google but it was her delivery she was so dynamic and I loved her flowing clothes in the way that she presented the information that she felt passionately needed to be shared.
But she wasn’t the only one. I liked Billy Graham too. He was more basic he didn’t get into too much dogma which I later learned was a thing. The simplicity of his message was stirring to somebody such as myself. I even met him in the airport at 10 when my grandmother took me to Disneyland one summer. He was so handsome when he was young. Very charismatic I remember that there were a flurry of people around him, but he stopped and greeted me when my grandmother got his attention. He was the first famous person that I would meet. I met and got the autograph of Maury Amsterdam that same trip while in Disneyland. I didn’t really know who he was but Grama G was thrilled! I had a thing for this particular grandmother. She was incredible, quite ahead of her time. And much of the flare I enjoy today, comes from her
Hormones/Come to Jesus Gramma
I chased all kinds of different things. I had no idea that each denomination had their own dogma, and unique viewpoint on the same resource. I found that really surprising. But again I was only fed milk, at the beginning of my path. Once I realize there were so many differences coming out of the same book, it was a eye opener to the degree that I had to explore that more. You see fundamentally I knew that the truth, would be something we could all categorically stand on. So I had to look for the similarities and there were many.
Growing up my other grandmother, my mom‘s mom. Was the Catholic who became born-again. She was the slow drip on the entire family, as she parroted verses in the background periodically. We all caved in one by one over time. It took years but it happened. But it was an interesting part of my journey, none the less. When I wasn’t drinking, experimenting with drugs, I was trying on different churches like they were my Sunday best.
I remember one time when I was about 16 I was going to Anglican catholic church again the church of England, and they had a small group in there that had been “born again”, and we’re teaching people how to speak in tongues. Even though I thought it was just full-blown crazy talk, I found myself giving into the experience because you know why not. I loved God. I wasn’t gonna miss out on anything about that .
In & Out
I got baptized every chance I got. I was baptized in the Grand Canyon by the Southern Baptist, in the ocean in North Carolina by some little church I can’t remember. Gads… where else, oh yeah, also at a Foursquare church in Beaverton Oregon. I know there were others, but it’s a blur. I was fully in when I was in, and and OUT when I was OUT. Lol. Because there was something there, and I was going find it
Questions w/No answers
But but even while I was desperately trying to learn more, there was a rational part of me that was dissecting everything ruthlessly. There are just some things I could not get past. And anytime I ask questions about these things. I always got that can’t answer no matter where I was -you got to take it on faith. It’s all about the faith. No no it’s not about faith if God is an intelligent creature that can create the entire freaking Universe. I’m pretty sure there’s some answers that can be found there. And if I am created in the image of this said creature, I can find them via critical thinking and logic. It was not logical to me that Cain was cast away from Adam and Eve for killing Abel, and he was able to find a bride, given they were the only family on the on the planet! Oh and what kind of a God prefers the flesh over the pretty growing things that are organic and natural. Why would you prefer killing something if you had a choice. Curious now anyways at a lot of questions like that. And like I said I couldn’t get the answers from clergy, so I had to go looking for myself. Because it was my part time job to do so, when I was up for it.
However I was in and out, drawn like a magnet at different times of my life for varying reasons. One of which is when I got pregnant and I wasn’t married, ha ha ha ha. I returned to a church that I had been recently attending, and I was able to find out exactly who lived what they believed, and who did not. And I was shocked to learn there were a scant few that were the real deal. Lights placed in the path of those who really needed to see this shine. Because I tell ya, it was not easy to tell my father who had become a pastor, that I was pregnant!
Which by the way you know you said to me when I told him, first words out of his mouth “well that doesn’t surprise me”! He was initially supportive it was my mom wouldn’t talk to me for a week. That was no easy roe to tow, even though I ended up marrying her father four months later. I guy I really barely knew who turned out to be a good guy for real’s, we were just not matched well for long term. And I was naughty during our time together, I was. I will own that!
Just like the time I had to get a divorce from my torturous first husband, without support from my family. I was actually told I needed to work it out, because you know, Jesus. This my friends was significant and I can honestly say it did take me quite some time to get over the fallout. Not just from the nut bag, but from my parents temporary insanity. Be that as it may, I learned a lot about the church because I was “human”.
All this occurred before I even turned 30!
And after my divorce I was attending some church my parents had found. It was really cool because the pastor used to like to sing to us, and I really loved that about him. He had a very interracial flourishing fellowship that my parents were attracted to, and I really liked as well. But during that time I was buying weird books like the Necromonicon, and hiding them under my bed. Something else from him I can’t think of Alastair Crowley some kind of mini essays. Oh and The Jesus Seminar by Oregon’s very own Marcus Borg. I’d skim through them as fast as I could because I felt guilty you know reading about Satan, or something and I hide them underneath my bed. Now mind you, I was a grwon women who had her own apartment and a 6 year old daughter!
When I was done I destroy them or throw them away. The Jesus seminar had a tremendous impact on me because of its rational approach to the words a.k.a. the red letter words of Jesus in the New Testament. A panel of folks voted on the likelihood of whether not Jesus said certain things, in certain ways -based on things you can determine about his character. Or something like that. Anyway it was ecumenical and I liked it because it planted a really cool seed inside of me. Crowley on the other hand was extremely rational, and I understand much of what he had to say but he was a little bit strange for my personal taste and I really did not have any interest in pursuing that line of thinking further. Other than reading peoples testimonies about coming out of Satanic worship, I had no real interest in Satan or Lucifer anything like that. It wasn’t because I was afraid I would go to hell per se. It’s just that that kind of energy I wasn’t drawn to. Besides he was supposedly the second in command, why would I be interested in him! As far as I understood it, Satan literally means adversary, so put a new twist on how I viewed long term anyway.
At the end of the day though, I am super into rational thinking. Even though my emotions were seriously tied to the love and Light of it all. That’s why I kept looking and looking and looking. I needed to marry the two because that there was no chance I was going to be able to give up on this God stuff at all. So I had to come to a place of deep knowing and understanding about what the hell was going on. Because clearly something was, it’s evident in the fact of how many religions there in the world or how many spiritual philosophies. And then there’s theory and Conspiracy theory etc. Just so much to consider you know. Bottom line though, the things I am considering must be rational. It must be congruent, end to end. It must make sense, be logical. None of this take it on faith stuff, where my eternal soul is concerned! I mean, c’mon! If you can create a freaking universe, I am pretty sure this creator is INTELLIGENT!! And I wanted to find THAT guy! (or gal) That is when I decided to leave the church for good. I was literally willing to go to hell, to see what this creator was all about.
WILLING TO GO TO HELL. (Literally)
Into the underworld I went. Or more precisely, I was able to have sex if I wanted to again, and not feel ashamed! I could read what I wanted to, and not feel guilty! And it was glorious!
When it came to books, I was like a kid in a candy shop with a thousand variety’s of bubble gum to chose from. I was reading all kinds of new things, and researching to see where the authors line of thinking was coming from. I quickly learned, that everyone is selling something. There is a lot of snake oil to be found around religion and spirituality!
WILLING TO GO TO HELL.
Hell was way more relaxing that Christianity ever was. All that crazy head noise just faded away as new thoughts and inspiration made their way up front, for my consideration. I just loved everything about the new age, until I ran into Jesus again. YES, Jesus, in the form of an ascended Master. Still quite revered, as he should be, but for reasons that escaped me at the time. And realized many were just looking for the opposite of what they left. And others still, cannot seem to let go of Mythos, even if they want to. Programming is a powerful weapon against kids. They believe their folks and anything we spew, until they are old enough to reason for themselves. Many default into the family philosophy, because it isn’t important enough to them, to refute.
However, I KNEW there was something alive and divine within. I just could not name it! Nor did I feel I had to. The only thing that mattered to me, is that something was CLEARLY guiding my path. I could not deny that, not even a little bit. So off I went to explore the lunatic fringe and other philosophy’s that might be am to name this thing for me.
So, I thought if I wanted to dissect Christianity. I was going to have to look at it’s roots in Judaism. I felt in order to understand the Jews better, I needed to learn a tad more about Egypt, since they lived in captivity there for so long. Finally, I worked my way back to Sumeria and….
Book of Enki
This was one of the most pivotal books in my life. Even though I had to take a huge leap of faith to trust the translation. It was a HUGE game changer for me and one that completely eroded any Judaeo-christianity that was lurking within me still.I was so excited about a lot of the new twists to a very old story that had tentacles in everything I had been studying till that point. I was really grateful for this one.
Full erosion of Faith
This new information was not just a game changer. I wanted out of the game all together now. Any hopes of being a TV evangelist were washed away with everything I thought I knew. And I was surprisingly OK with it. The whole process degraded any hopes of coming up with a cohesive doctrine worth promoting, but oddly enough, it did not rob me of my faith! I still very much believed in a master architect. I just had no idea where that guy was!!
Which Witch & Woo-woo
So off I went into the wild unknown of the forbidden. Hell yes, I explored just about everything you can imagine. The stuff that was remotely interesting to me, was looked at a little closer. I typically avoid alchemy, because I was just not smart enough to figure that one out unaided, but I did enjoy looking at the white witches! At the time I was living on a street called Haunted Canyon underneath the watchful eye of the Superstition Mountains. I enjoyed telling people I was a witch, just to gauge their reaction. However, it would have been more accurate to say, and I often did, that the Christians think I am a witch, but the witches think I am a Christian! I certainly had collected the trappings that suggested “witch” to the untrained eye, but I was really just not that into it. But I gave it a good governmental effort. Small towns tend to run with things like that and when the rumors finally circled back, all I cold do is laugh. I found a perverse pleasure in having started my own rumors about me! I never practiced with a coven, although I did a few things with others, as a part of my discovery, my favorite which was celebrating Beltane with a lovely coven! That was a blast, but still…not my gig. In general though, I was not sold on all the ritual. I was never really comfortable with some of the things I played with. I never got heavy into any one thing. I was looking for common denominators more than anything. One of the things that I had realized and I thought most missed the memo on, is the tools used, were really not necessary. I got way better results straight from my own mind. I did learn that much. And off I went…
Since I largely programmed myself, I had to find a way to deprogram. Or more precisely, REprogram. I immediately became a voracious reader. I read everything from the Celestine Prophecy, to the Necromonicon. From chasing the Holy Grail, to researching the reptilians. The weirder, the better. I devoured all kinds of alternative viewpoints in book form, until the advent of the internet. After Jesus didn’t return in 2000 and the Y2K scare had passed, I got my first computer and almost immediately gravitated to conspiracy theory forums. It all started with Trance-formation of America by Cathy O’Brien. That one blew my head off! In the back of the book, there was an address for the 1st forum I ever participated in. I LOVED being able to talk to folks from all over the globe, about our shared interests. It was so cool! Eventually, I was invited to a place called Godlike Productions, where my chickens would eventually fully run free. I read and wrote my way through my spiritual pole shift.
The bottle aka Hardships
All along, I was trapped in a bottle while doing so. I have literally forgotten more than I remember as a result. So much research and knowledge, poured out all over the floor and into the toilet. Talk about wasted years! In my defense though, I was licking wounds and stuff. It is not like I did not have major bouts of sobriety in my life, because I did have dry periods. However it was an excellent brew-ha-ha for the escapist. It enabled me to turn my over active mind off while avoiding the inevitable. It worked great for many years as I never let it interfere with my work and I typically was a HaPpy drunk. However, it made me emotionally unavailable at times to my family. Once I began to REALLY wake up, it no longer served me and the self loathing I experienced as a result, was the primary motivating factor for change. While I was able to slow the train, I was unable to stop it completely. It took a sacrificial act of a beloved per bearded dragon. To do that. Her name was Gobi. And she is many ways, was a literal savior in my life.
TELL ABOUT GOBI BRIEFLY
Once I sobered up, I was able to be far more objective about the things I read over the years. All the bits of accumulated data, started forming into something more coherent. The conspiracy theories and alternative information began to assemble into something resembling a larger truth for me. I was able to see the crystal thread of truth that ran throughout the various narratives.
Crystal thread of truth.
I realized, that all things contained this thread. That is when I discovered if I pulled at it, all of the truth would form into a pearl strand of luminous undeniable gemstones of Light. It was this crystal thread, that lead me to the proper context for all that I had been seeking spiritually. It was crystal freaking clear, god was not in a box !
Bottom line, Light
All cultures and civilizations had a way of describing their relationship with divine things. While some contained more truth that others, I could no longer argue that some did not have any truth in them at all. And even though the nefarious of our species sought to keep the truth from the masses, it indeed could be found by the diligent seeker. But it came with a price. One often to hide it from the “profane”.
Light, The Illuminati & Ontological Math.
In all of my research, regardless of how off path from my spiritual pursuits it was, I kept seeing a brief but positive mention of the Illuminati in the various books I read. The last of which showed up in Jesus and the Goddess, of all things.
Science/Light at our core. Light at conception.
Follow the Light. Like god. Hardships. Trial by fire. Tested
Omnipresent, Omniscient, Thought, Logos Source. Architect. Great Spirit. Energy of ALL. Oneness, connected. Individual. Alpha/Omega
Designed to reach maximum potential and become Gods. Don’t ye know?
Call to action. Unity. Inspiration~
Lecturn from exhibishop.com