This one is all over the place. So please bear with me. You might want to get out some tissue as well. As it was a tear jerker for me personally, and many of you are sensitive enough to pick up on that. Hopefully this one should beat for several hearts this season.
Some of you may not be aware, but my only sibling, has Down’s Syndrome related Alzheimer’s. I don’t speak about him or it that much, because quite frankily it is just too painful. I prefer to push the pain down into a warm sticky place where it does not see the Light of day, so I can deal. This is the kind of thing I have to be forced by the Universal Design, to deal with. Tonight, I am forced to face it.
The man that taught me everything I know about unconditional love is trapped within a body that is failing him. Having already suffered a lifetime with a mind that failed him as well. The fates have seemingly been cruel, and I stand helpless to sway the direction of the wind. I know I will lose him sooner than later, but just like my beloved father, I already lost him years ago. He is no longer the pesky and jovial baby brother that loved me no matter what.
I don’t know if any of you can imagine what it is like to be truly and without condition -loved. But it is an indescribable joy that exceeds most others. To know that you are loved regardless of how you look, who you love, or how you perform, is simply breathtaking in its scope. It is what I perceive divine love to be like. Our value always at its peak, in the presence of it. This kind of love, which the Greeks call Agape, is especially beautiful in a world that judges us in every possible way, and often with a vengeance. The contrast is overwhelming in moments like these. On the rare occasions I allow myself to feel the depth of this thing, it becomes a gaping black hole, I don’t know how to escape from.
The painful potential of losing Light incarnate, is far more than I can bear. Only those who have lost someone to Alz or Dementia have any level of understanding what it means to have the lights go out on the theater of someone’s life, while the stage still stands. It is one of the worst things we as humans can watch. Far harder to think about. Excruciating to feel.
For as long as I can remember, Brian was a man of longing. He wanted all the things he saw the rest of had. He longed to be loved, have a wife of his own. He would always say he wanted to, pay bills, do the laundry, have a job -just like the rest of us. But the worst longing of all, was his desire to “be normal”. He wanted a life no different than that of his peers, even though he had no comprehension of what any of that would really mean for him. Even so. It was a longing. Not doubt an exceedingly agonizing one.
I am thinking of him today after receiving an image of him from the home in which he lives and receives care. He looks terrible, older than his years, and just plain sad. Mom says he is weepy today and I wonder what could possibly cause him such grief. Did he get glimpses of a life remembered, or is he longing to be free of the straps than have to hold him in a wheelchair now. I can’t help but wonder, if he longs to see our dad like I do today, because it is Christmas and I am far away missing my family. Both the living and expired. Or is it something more. Can he feel me longing too? He was always kinda psychic in that way, and I got it BAD.
Maybe he knows just how hard this year has been for me. One in which I did not have much unconditional love in my life. Rather, I suffered through character assassination and an emotional crucification so palatable, I cannot believe it didn’t kill me. I wonder if he somehow knows I am grieving, or maybe this is just me, empathizing with him anew. Surely he is tormented in ways that he cannot -nor can he ever, articulate.
Maybe our shared sorrow is something far more than our own conditions. Maybe we both are taping into the emotional honestly of how it really is during the Holidays for many in our extended human family. Maybe we, along with others who are vibrationally sensitive are feeling the frequency of our collective agony, as we gather around the globe to celebrate the season. Maybe what we are feeling is the millions of hearts longing for acceptance in their own homes, desperate to truly belong; as is.
I have been weepy for well over a week. I am consumed with a longing I cannot fully explain, and it is both delicious and haunting. Delicious in that I am achingly alive and my mind is functioning well enough to know I am feeling something so profound, my world is shifting as a result of it. Haunting, in that my thoughts keep drifting to where I am not, not where I am. This longing is for me, an unprecedented desire to be with someone I do not know, but I know is there in the shadows somewhere. Perhaps something akin to my brothers longing to have a life, he did not. A shared energetic moment that goes well beyond us, to be sure.
But the train does not just stop at just one station for me today. There is another longing I have, and I have had for many years now. I want so baldly to be in the company of those who have climbed the same pyramid as I am. A group of humans so lit, that I imagine just standing in the same room with them, will cause me to burn brighter. And yet, I know they are human just as I am, with feelings no different than my own. Some even now, in a state of longing themselves. It is to them, and for them, that I seek to give voice to that which must always remain hidden. Secrets that can never be shouted. Burdens on the shoulders of those we will never know. It is for these souls, that I sing. It is for those who will forever remain unknown, that I long to speak for, and of.
I know somewhere deep inside me this strange and beautiful longing will give way to realized dreams. I know also, it will not for Brian. Finding a way to live within these extremes and not lose my shit, is a challenge most will never comprehend. It is why when the Lighting is just so, you can catch a glimpse of something deeper lurking within me, just below my smiling surface~