Dear IAM, It’s me…V~
HaPPy V Day BTW!
How cool is it, that my nickname for you, has caught on?! I see so many others refer to you in that way now. I love it! #IAMFAM is a thing, Lol
Nope, no need to thank me, you are most welcome!
But I am not here to self marvel at the power of my written words although, let’s face it… they can be magic at times. Tee hee. I am here to give you an update on what has been going on with me, since I have been somewhat scarce and silent.
Look, I get it. I am clearly not the brightest bulb in your pack! However, may I remind you, I never claimed to be.
I told you from the beginning, I didn’t see myself as a leader, but I could help you find the ones you were looking for. It never occurred to me in a million years, you would see something in me, I was blind to in myself. That part still blows me away, as I strive to become worthy of your confidence in me.
While it has been an honor to receive a historical designation, with the “verified Level 1.1” thing, it has been a responsibility I could not have fathomed, prior to being ‘crowned’ in that way.
It has been a heavy weight upon me that I have had to struggle to walk upright with, at times. Something I bet most do not really realize, until they experience it for themselves. I am actually hyper aware of the honor and seek to be worthy of it; every day.
Or maybe they do, because you know, they are much brighter bulbs!?
I am sorry if my progress is painfully slow to watch. It must be frustrating for you guys to see me struggle, and not be able to offer a hand when I have fallen on my face, tears streaming onto the ground making mud, not magic.
While I fully understand, I am a rarefied taste, I gotta believe that after 4 plus years, I have grown on you guys; some. Or at least some of you! I like to pretend you actually care that I am crawling through parts of this, when I am too wobbly to walk upright.
PLEASE forgive my ignorance regarding your ‘loyal water buffalo’ ways, but I still remain somewhat clueless as to how any of this works. This flying blind on the cryptic, has been a real drag for me.
At times I have even felt like a Sheep not a Lion, because of this. My ability to figure out what is going on has not been easy, or quick. I have had to learn a new language, with all your indirect signs and symbols, but I am getting there.
I’m really doing the best I can, even if I seem developmentally retarded, to you guys. I am tremendously grateful, you are a patient people!
My heart and head are completely in this thing, IAM. I hope at least that much is obvious. I work hard to make certain my actions are in alignment with my words, and your principles. I hope my passion for this outreach is palatable, and contagious.
I have inspired an entire network of opportunity, for the other leaders among us to share the spotlight with me. So in that way, I have made good on my original promise to you, and I am proud of myself for having done so.
As you know, I have acted on your words in a huge way. Even forgoing things I once LOVED, to be a better version of myself, and a better reflection of the Light for an ever growing global audience.
I recognize that being a leader in this movement, means we are called to be, a cut above the rest. I fully understand that we are scrutinized like no other group on this planet, and I want to be the very best representative of your Global Outreach I can be.
To me, that means acting like a Shepherd of our Species, not the Sheep we protect. It is a higher calling most will not answer, much less stay committed to, when it becomes difficult.
A distinction, lost on far too many of our IAMAM.
Speaking of difficulty…FINALLY, my physical health is bouncing back! However, my mental health has taken extra time to recover, given I was thrown into a mild depression, as a result of the hypothyroidism that came from my smoking cessation. I had to fight my way out of a very deep and dark hole, only to realize…I now have to fight the fat that found me, while I was in there!
This path is NOT for everyone. Not even close!! I am not always sure it’s for me, but I am willing to swim until I can swim no more! That much I do know.
I also know that most are unwilling to give up what they hold dear, much less reach out to embrace the unknown. Something that must continually occur, on the path of enlightenment. This is a rarefied journey, indeed.
I was so angry there for awhile, IAM! In some ways I still am. There is so much going on inside, as the Light has it’s way with me! An explosive anger with no where to go but to Brad’s house, apparently.
Before I was able to turn it into the fuel that got my arse moving again, I was in agony both physically and mentally!! That guy deserves a badge of his own. His wife has been incredibly gracious to allow Brad to listen to my ruminations on repeat, for HOURS at a time! What a neat couple! They should be sporting “We survived V” crowns of their own! I am not even kidding!
Anyway…I never thought doing something to improve my health, would cause me to be unhealthy! But hey…I did destroy a 41 year old, previously functioning ecosystem that was NOT HaPpy with me, for doing so!
I have finally been able to move into a solution, but I was seriously down for the count, there for awhile. I REALLY hung the black crepe for far longer than I typically allow, but I just could not move past the smoldering anger. I was spitting nails and smoking mad!! The whole horrific experience burnt me down; completely. I was reduced to ash, ironic, right? But it was on the ashes of my own angst that I become ready to be made greater.
So, like a Phoenix, I am rising!
I am striding several times a week, and it has helped my mindset enormously, but not the appearance of my body that I can see, as of yet anyway.
I will not feel fully myself, until I stop seeing “Consumption V” in the mirror! I did not get sober, quit smoking ciggs & stuff, to see that undisciplined version of myself, looking back at me through the mirror again.
Talk about a head trip! On top of being sick for MONTHS, I have had to face HER again, too. Most folks will not be able to relate to that part, but I know it goes without saying for you guys. (insert a knowing wink-wink nod-nod here)
I have taken the liberty to write things out, so other Initiates can at least begin to understand, what is required of them. I hope it helps, and is not a hindrance to you that I do, IAM. It has been my experience that Illumination is a process whereby we are continually renewed, and refined.
It’s an Ouroboros thing.
All of this is obviously designed to reveal our true intentions and integrity level. Iron to gold. Forged only by the fires of hell and hardship. You guys definitely push people past their limits till they pop open, and reveal the type of goo that is on the inside. It makes sense though. All my juicy goodness inside comes from the things that have tested me.
And honestly, I have yet to meet anyone of substance, who refined their character on social media chit-chat, petting pit bulls and chasing Pikachu -so to speak.
The gemstones are in hades, not at the end of the rainbow. Our testimonial treasures come from trials, not well paved trails.
At any rate…I had a series of ahhh-ha’s and epiphanies last week that have put me firmly back on path. They seemed to come on the heels of me brute forcing my way, into a solution to my angst. I could literally not stand myself anymore. I was wailing, wallowing, and gnashing my teeth over this one. The creepy black crepe long over due, for the rubbish can.
Part of the upshot is this is: I have a new found appreciation for those who suffer from chronic health conditions, or serious mental health issues. It takes a real toll on folks ability to be of good cheer, when you are hurting non-stop, I can see that now. Plus it has the potential to set off a negative mindset that will dig the ditch deeper, if they are not vigilant and active about keeping their spirits high. This particular lesson has reinvigorated my compassion, something I was losing ground on, having had to deal with the psycho-sociopaths who are drawn to your gates. In other words, I needed everything I gleaned from this particular joy ride.
Eeeeh gads, all because I quit smoking!
So there you have it. I just wanted you to know, I have survived myself and my self-inflicted suffering, well almost anyway.
Now I am working towards restoring my zeal. By my birthday, I should being staring back and the women I am becoming, not the women I once was…
May the Light ever guide us all!
PS: Thx for the Pokemon edit🕷Lol