Most people in my life these days have no idea about my past. It’s not that I have intentionally withheld it, rather it just isn’t something that I even think about anymore. It isn’t my focus & hasn’t been for years.
When my scar was fresh, I was always worried it would be noticed & I would be forced to explain. The shame associated with surviving hell, prevented me from sharing much of anything. Truly, I was working hard towards just forgetting the entire thing but unfortunately, it is a wound that required professional treatment that did not seem to exist and home remedies were scarce in 1980. Even my fairly evolved church at that time, was not equipped to deal with my level of horror, so I quickly exited their counseling. They don’t like divorce. So… I needed more than what they were offering. It became evident I was going to have to self heal.
I waded through much of my despair myself. My story didn’t read like a made for tv movie in which the drunk punk comes home & beats his wife over cold carrots. My tormentor was much more ritualistic than that. And his level of abuse seemed damn near professional. So it wasn’t like I could point to something and simply say, “it was like that”. That is what I experienced…Help me Please!
Plus it began when I was in the Marine Corps. Back then, those guys had no idea how to deal with “women’s” issues, so I was farmed out to a small town therapist who was not able to do much better. My whole life at that time, was a walking blur. A struggle to get through each day deprived of sleep and experimenting with drugs designed to facilitate an altered reality. Plus others to keep me wake. Thankfully the drugs faded as we moved off base and became more isolated. His crazy level was off the charts as the closest neighbors were not necessarily in ear shot. But damn, he was soooo charming, when he wanted to be. All psychopaths are.
The curious mix of terrorist & saint kept my emotions in such turmoil, it was impossible to get a baseline on myself. I was really not in my body much during those times. I simply do not know how I showed up for anything.
When we 1st met, I was captivated by his colorful reasons for arriving in the desert, and his freaking mouth. Something about this way his mouth moved. I was transfixed. I imagine Chris Brown has this same certain something. It doesn’t show up in pictures and you would not see it unless it was directed at you. It is a hypnotic element perhaps only the most cunning among us possess. I am not altogether sure it is human in nature, but rather something much darker than your garden variety coo-coo. Honestly. This guy made my drunken, rape riddled teens, look like a poor warm up to meeting a full blown predator.
Really, the only reason why I am telling you this at all… is because it woke me up. or started the process rolling that way for sure.
I would say it was a divinely appointed ‘wake the fuck up kinda thing’. I really was descending into my own custom created sensation seeking vibe, before I even met this guy. so I take full responsibility for marrying him simply based on that mouth, and the orgasms. Lol. I really had the hugest blind spot going at 19. I am sure he could smell my angst before I came around the corner of his life. We married within 3 weeks of meeting because you know, I was mad at my now divorcing parents and again, he was sooooooooooo charming…
I really cant describe the level of auto pilot I was on, when I from out of nowhere, chose to join the Marine Corps vs College. I had a profound longing to distance myself from a life I had no control of. My teens were a cocktail of rumors, rape & substance fueled emotional retardation. So I bolted pretty much blind. I am pretty sure I was already sending energetic distress signals, foolishly giving my position away. I seriously have no idea why I was wandering around, unattended anyway. I had no idea what kind of crazy, lay past the crazy in my own head.
Few few were taught about energy & vibration when I was growing up. Or how it can be magnified by hormones, isolation, ignorance. So there was no awareness about the Laws of Attraction. However our parents of the age did always warn against “strangers”… I personally did not know what that meant. Age old wisdom distilled into a commandment, no one cared to expand upon, were the juices I was cooked in….
To be continued ~