We all know forgiveness is important, it has been preached from every pulpit.

However I am going to bump that up a notch, and say it is absolutely essential, if you are on a path towards enlightenment. It is impossible to hold the kind of vibration that elevates one beyond the mundane, without literally lightening our loads, energetically.

Those who know me personally, know I would not have survived my challenging life, had I not moved into forgiveness, and cleared the clouds that hovered over me long after those that wounded me, moved on. I would not have been able to survive having been kidnapped, raped, tortured or abused without forgiveness’s liberating effects on my soul -much less become victorious over them. I would have remained a prisoner to the very things in my life, which sought to destroy me.

Be it unintentional or premeditated, people and/or situations can leave deep cuts in our hearts that can take decades to heal, even if we are actively working on forgiveness. Some things just take longer to heal, due to the nature of the trauma. While others, which are relatively minor offenses, still fall into the grooves left by the deeper slices and amplify them.

I have learned I am an incredibly sensitive person, despite the hard candy shell that surrounds my soul. So the things that would roll off another persons back, sticks to my feathers and threatens my flight if I allow them to build up. I am ever vigilant to preen the sticky droplets of harm, however some of them trickle in, far deeper than I can feel on the surface of my shell. Adding more insulting salt, to my existing injuries.

Recently, it was revealed to me, that I had hardened my heart due to an abscess of pus filled pain that went undetected, even after I worked so hard to clean up the area over the years. Not only did I face horrific slander, lies, and harassment by those claiming to follow the same ideals I do, it tapped into the heart of a child who was eclipsed by the needs of a sibling, the teenage girl who as a virgin, was rumored to be a slut, the misunderstood adult, that never truly fit in. It reopened old wounds that were not yet healed enough, to sustain another similar attack. The tender scars pierced far too easily with repeated vicious stabs meant to draw blood. Instead, the slices merely revealed the resentment that still lived just below the surface, with tentacles to the abscess of unresolved conflict. The experience had punctured through to the infection that was festering in the darkness, begging to see the light of day, so I could finally heal -once and for all.   An absolutely HELLACIOUS experience to be sure. But one I am exceedingly grateful for, as it allowed me the opportunity to pull at the root that had tethered me to a vibration I desperately needed to get free from, to advance. A dull ache that permeated everything about me, now that I could actually see the twisted and poisonous cables, it created around my soul.

It would take me almost a full year of screaming to the moon in fits of rage akin the the death throes of a dying animal, to give expression to pain that was previously sucked down, and hidden. My guttural screaming was always followed by a trillion tears over flowing into the painful cracks, and down into the septic areas to be cleansed and restored. I cannot even tell you guys, what a gut wrenching process this was. I hurt like hell! Instead of following my own advice that would have led to a quicker path out of the hell I found myself in, I ruminated and relived my injuries, essentially enshrining my enslavement to them. Instead of severing them with the only healing salve that can cure, forgiveness.

Finally, after months of torment, I reached the end of myself. It was then that providence (surely sick of seeing me suffer) stepped in, and threw me the key to my release from my anguish in the form of a family member, I will call “J”. After empathizing with my situation, she reminded me how important empathy was in overcoming my natural defenses. In the wake of her encouragement, I knew if I could find empathy again, forgiveness would surely follow. And it certainly did.

Empathy was the key I needed, to unlock forgiveness.

Forgiveness comes far easier with random hit and run attacks, than it does with ongoing injury. So many of us face something similar to what I just described, because the pain is ever present and is coming from a loved one we cannot avoid. Perhaps I can encourage you guys to develop empathy too, as it is the precursor to forgiveness, and the key to our release from the bondage it creates in us. Without forgiveness, we remained tethered to a vibration that is not only impeding our spiritual growth, it aids and abets the darkness within us. Thus crippling our journey towards the Light.

To empathize is to identify with someones journey.  It is the act of truly understanding where someone is coming from, and seeing the similarities in our own experience. It is about realizing that this similarity resides in the things that connect us to one another. It is about discovering that the pain someone has caused us, comes from the pain that they carry that was caused by someone else. It is a chain reaction that binds us all, to the same chains we all need to get free from. Once we fully grasp this shared bondage, our sympathy will lead us to the balm of forgiveness. In forgiveness, we purge the impurity and disease of passed around pain.

We are taught forgiveness is for us, and not those who caused us to grief. Yet I assert that energetically, it is for us all. As each one of us is released from the darkness of emotional agony, it brings us all UP into the liberating and healing Light, by way of example. An example that is energetically contagious when we share our stories of release, to encourage someone else to forgive too. Thus changing the world, when we have truly, and forever changed ourselves.

Because after all…we are all one, are we not?




Gallery  —  Posted: May 10, 2019 in Forgiveness




Gallery  —  Posted: May 9, 2019 in Change, forgiviness, Grief, Hardships, Storms
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rainbow road

I am often asked what someone should do while they wait to learn the results of their prerequisites. I hate having to answer this question, because it shows right away they have not read ILLUMINATIAM, The First Testament of the Illuminati. Something I just cannot fathom, if you have chosen this path.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why someone would follow an organization or ideology, and not actually read everything they have published about it, to date. It is akin to claiming to be a Christian, and never reading the Bible. It is not only lazy, it demonstrates to me immediately that person prefers their ignorance, and is currently not a leader. You guys need to understand that leaders do not beg for the crumbs of others, only sheep do that. Lions such as myself, hunt down their own food, and thrive because we are well fed by our own efforts. If you think The Illuminati is unaware of your choice to remain ignorant, you are sadly mistaken. They are looking for leaders, not the lazy.

To put this in a way that most of you will understand, I have learned everything I know through The Illuminati’s publicly released messages. At this time, I do not have have access to anything different that anyone else does. So I find it unsettling that so many claim they want to be a part of this organization, and yet know zero about it. Even though they can find everything they need to know, online. Even their book can be purchased for only .99 cents in digital form on Amazon. 

The Illuminati has made everything easily accessible for all. For me, there are no excuses for not doing the necessary research to learn more, unless you are living in a country who has blocked every link IAM has. And even if this is the case, you all seem to have access to Facebook, and there are a myriad of groups there that are geared towards helping those with access issues. Never mind my online radio station, that has literally everything ever printed by the IAM, in audio form there.

If you want to know what I personally think you should do while you wait on IAM, beyond what has been shared by them in their book, here it is:






Link to The Illuminati online

Link to iMARK Radio



Gallery  —  Posted: April 26, 2019 in Illuminati, Illuminatiam, Wisdom
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If I hear one more new age guru tell me to kill my ego, I am going to scream so loud, California will fall into the ocean due to the sheer vibration of it!!

  1. a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
    “a boost to my ego”
    synonyms: self-esteem, self-importance, self-worth, self-respect, self-conceit, self-image, self-confidence;

    amour propre
    “he needed a boost to his ego”
    • Psychoanalysis
      the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
    • Philosophy
      (in metaphysics) a conscious thinking subject.

Who in the hell started the movement to suppress the internal mediator between  our conscious reality, and the unseen realm of our hidden consciousness?

No seriously, who’s bright idea was that?!

Anyone with the most scant ability to think critically, can see there are valuable aspects of the ego just by reading the agreed upon definition. Addressing an ego out of balance is one thing, but crucifying that which carried me through the darkest periods of my life is another; entirely! While I certainly think we need to keep our egos from running rough shod over another sweet spirit, preaching we should ditch it all together, is waaaay out of balance in my egotistical opinion.


I have a healthy respect, and admiration for my glorious ego. It was my ego who gave me the courage to face another day, when I was metaphorically in the ditch and bleeding out. It was my ego who got me out of bed, and raised my head enough to get through the darkest days of my life. It was my ego, who told me I had value, when the rest of the world had none, for a rarefied thinker such as myself. It was my ego who pulled me through depression, gave me confidence when I really didn’t have any, and told me I was as good as anyone else, even when I did not feel that way. I am profoundly grateful for this incredible mediator between me, and my higher self. between me and the things buried within me. Between me, and my divinity. Without a healthy ego, I would be incredibly unhealthy, and still bleeding in a ditch somewhere, unable to face another day upright, and taking nourishment.

It truly jangles my nerves when folks ask me to cast her aside, even for a moment! It isn’t like she is in my face every second of the day, anyway.  Nor does she go around lording her self importance in an effort to belittle others.  I have zero interest in losing myself in the ALL right now. I am here to experience my individuality, and to express it through my one of a kind, unduplicated personality! Oneness is my/our natural, and eternal state apart from the body, and I am here to see what I AM separately but in context of the whole, or I would not be here at all. None of us would be. It is almost as if, folks have forgotten this. I get it, we all miss that divine state in which we are part of something bigger than ourselves, but that is our base, and we WILL return to it, once we are done doing Earth stuff. So it seems ridiculous to me, to actively seek it while we are here to experience something else. It seems to me, we should keep our egos in check, not kill them.

I have actually had an independent experience of the ALL from literally out of no where, while I was freaking driving no less. So I know intimately what it is that I AM, outside of this temporary meat suit. 

Oh, and PS, it’s AWEsome!

And guess what boys and girls, I did not lose my sense of self, even as I was completely one with the total of what we all are. I am not sure if anyone will understand this, but it is -how it is.

Be that as it may, it’s also an unsustainable state of being while we are occupying a body.  I mean, maybe folks need to be reminded of who, and what they are, so that is why they seek such an experience in meditation, and hallucinogenics? But I am not one of them. I know I am something more that skin and bones. I know I am a monadic soul full of divine sunshine and spirited moxie. I have always known, even when I had no way to articulate it to even myself, much less others.

I think we all do at some level.

Or we certainly could, if we would but listen to our EGOs once in awhile!! I mean, it IS in direct communication with ALL levels of our consciousness, after all!!





Gallery  —  Posted: April 18, 2019 in Ego, Wisdom
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I am looking for inspiration for V’s Vox on iMARK.

If you have a burning question about anything, I would like to try and answer it for you.

The best inquiries will be recorded and possibly included in one of my books.

Please leave your questions below.



Gallery  —  Posted: April 11, 2019 in ?

If you have ever been a part of Council 22’s history, I would love for you to chime in here. I am currently finishing up my next book titled:

Initiate of the Illuminati


From the perspective of history’s 1st verified Level 1.1 Initiate

It is a tell-all from my personal experience, but I am wanting to include some snippets from other Initiates in the chapter dedicated to the Council. I am specifically looking for comments, quotes or experiences from the point of view of those who actually participated in c22, and would like to share their perspective. Anything that will add to the historical record, is encouraged as well.

This is your chance to add to our Initiate history!

Please leave your contribution here, or send it to to be considered for inclusion. Also include the name you would like used when quoting you. You deadline to do so, is April 22nd 2019.


Gallery  —  Posted: April 9, 2019 in Illuminati
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Invited to Rank?


I never really gave it much thought.

Not serious thought anyway.

I don’t believe for a minute I would ever be invited to rank. Surely that is an honor reserved for the best and brightest on this planet. Unlike the clamoring masses at the base of IAMs pyramid, I do not see myself on par with whoever has already made it into this exclusive club. Since I do not see myself as one of them, I really haven’t given the possibility, any real thought. So yeah, I really did not let my mind go there. I mean, why would I?

 I recently turned 58. It took me 2 years and 8 months to reach Level 1.1. If there were only 3 Levels, with 3 sub levels, it would still take approx 27 years, before I would get though all the Citizen Member Initiate Levels!  In other words, I would be 78 years old. Hardly a probable option for a group who was rumored to have once said, they didn’t trust anyone over 30!

Be all that as it may,  a brother-friend recently asked me, what I would say to The Illuminati, if they were to ask me to join their ranks. Let me tell ya. I ignored him the first time he asked. But he asked again. And even though I did not answer him the second time either, it really got me thinking. I needed an answer to that question for myself. Just in case. Given that I have been pissy-pot-pie, spitting nails mad and considering a break-up with IAM for about 6 months at the time he asked,  it really kinda jerked me up short and caused me to do some SERIOUS soul searching. Could I be obediently “lifetime-loyal” to a group I have no full understanding of, and who’s ways have flat out pissed me off at times? I certainly have been loyal to lesser men. HA! Plus, I managed to remained loyal, even in anger, so MAYBE? I mean, I don’t know??!! These guys know EVERYTHING about me and I know ZIP about them! Talk about an uneven playing field. 

But we ain’t playin’.

And this is NO game, is it…?

The more I thought about, the more consequential this question became for me.

What would I do?

No really…

What will you do V?!

Since I do not anticipate being asked, I was finding it hard to even image. I had to sit with it for several days, before I came close to anything resembling an answer. It honestly took awhile to get my head in that game enough to visualize someone coming to my door with an invitation, or whatever they do. I am not sure if that is what they do, but a call would seem distant and surreal, so in my mind they would have to show their faces for me to believe it was real. I truly could not imagine any of that.

I grappled with bringing such an fantasy to life. So much so, I was reminded about how stagnant my line of thinking had become, prior to having met IAM. I literally had zero vision for my future at the time. If someone had said I had won $10,000 to plan the vacation of a lifetime, I would not have any idea what-so-ever where to go. I could not even dream about taking a luxurious vacation much less imagine myself as someone the mysterious, and merited Illuminati would find any value in.

However, I needed to know what I would choose in advance; just in case.

The first thing that occurred to me when considering the possibility was… Do I trust these faceless, unknown strangers enough, to sign an eternally binding oath of obedience? An oath I could never renounce.  A forever and ever AMEN, Oath?!!

Let’s face it, that trumps marital vows exponentially. Now I don’t know about you dear Beacons, but trust is a pivotal aspect of any relationship in my world. Signing a lifelong oath of loyalty, is akin to getting married only more binding, by far. Needless to say, there is no way I could take this question as lightly as I did my choices in marriage. I was really struggling to find a way to say YES to folks I know little to nothing about. At the time, a enthusiastic ‘yes’ would just not come in for a landing. Trust me when I say there is another draft of this article that has an entirely different ending, and it was written first.

It just doesn’t seem prudent to consider jumping into bed with people I do not know. And yet, there is a kind of ‘knowing’ I have with these guys which I cannot necessarily articulate. I ‘knew’ their voice the minute they called, so can I really say they are strangers to me? Not really. No. There is a familiarity I cannot explain, but exists none the less. There really was a knowing inside of me, to balance out the unknown, which at the end of the day actually provided the answer I sought. I went with my gut, because there isn’t enough data to go full on logical.

When I try to imagine who The Illuminati might be in real life, I think of those that are listed in the Billionaire Giving Pledge (see After all, mention of these remarkable humans come under the heading of “About Us” on IAMs official site. Surely there are those who have taken the pledge that are truly Illuminati? If you take the time to read their individual responses to Bill and Melinda Gate’s invitation to participate, you might get the same goosebumps as I do. These folks are FANTASTIC! Far more fabulous that I for sure. That level of giving definitely says Humanitarian, for sure!!

That is my measure.


To be clear, it’s already my great pleasure to support The Illuminati as is. EVEN if I am not deemed fit to dine at their tables. I will enthusiastically serve them, regardless! I do not expect these brilliant humans, would care to dine with the likes of me. I know I am an acquired taste even if I am a ‘nobody’, in every sense of the word. I cannot imagine the elite of this planet needing anything from a mouthy, spiritually driven, emotive gal, such as myself. Plus I am not sure I am intelligent enough, although I do believe I possess the level of integrity the seek. Although I would add a considerable amount of color and perhaps a little comedy to the group -that you can be sure of!

But back to the question at hand, what would I actually say, if I was approached to join the ranks of the Lights most elite, intelligent, and philanthropic humans on the planet? Truthfully, I would likely CRY like a little girl first! Or be too flabbergasted to even speak. Once the initial shock wore off though, I would respond by saying I have a few questions first. Then I would probably need to sleep on it.


I couldn’t sleep!!

I think I would just need some time with it, alone. This of course, is assuming they did not already anticipate my questions and/or concerns, and alleviate them from word go. Although I am completely content and fulfilled to be a Community Leader in their public outreach, it would absolutely be an honor to serve them more deeply, in anyway they need me to. For as long as they deem me worthy, to do so.

So, all that being said, and assuming of course, you guys are not the Archons…

My reply would be a diamond hard MAYBE IAM!



What would your answer be dear Beacons? I would LOVE to hear what you are thinking! Please be advised, your answers could end up in my next book~

Gallery  —  Posted: April 9, 2019 in Doubt, Illuminati, Illuminatiam
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I’ve been really sick.


I was really sick & tired for about 6 months.


When I quit smoking, it sent me straight to Hell and into Hypothyroidism that went unchecked for 3 months. As a result, I gained 5 pounds a week for 8 weeks in a row, pouring a swift and staggering 40lbs onto my petite frame. Far more than the standard 10 lbs one can expect, from the slow down to the system that smoking cessation typically creates. It was the freaking WORST!!

I was miserable!

And I do mean MISERABLE, in every possible way!!

Not only did I suffer the worst that Hypothyroidism could throw at me: Puffy face, extreme fatigue, hoarseness, muscle weakness, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, zero concentration, weight gain, more hair loss, and some bonus depression. I had to deal with the withdrawals from smoking, on top of all that! It threw me into a radical, personal pole shift, no doubt about it. There was so much going on with my body that I had no control over, I was a veritable stranger in my own skin. I hated every other ounce that had found it’s way into every area of my body. I was an emotional shipwreck, washed up onto territory that was completely foreign to me.  I had no idea what to do with myself, besides consult a physician and possibly a psychiatrist. I was all but lost, without my 40 year constant companion, who could always calm me down.


I was afraid that was my new normal.

My body hurt everywhere but especially my legs and my hands. I felt like a balloon that had been blown up too quickly, just shy of the popping point. I felt like I was as full as one could possibly be, without actually exploding. Carrying this new weight HURT! I was too damn tired to carry it, too! It hurt physically like I would never have imagined, but also it hurt me mentally too. It really threw me to the ground in a way nothing had before. I thought, WOW… IAM really found me weak point now, good for them!


I was not a gal that ever really worried about how she looked, and certainly not my weight, so this was very left field for me. But with the world potentially watching me turn into Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka, my pain was magnified by raw embarrassment and the idea that my enemies would actually delight in my suffering. 

I found myself facing all the fears, every human who does not feel perfect, faces. This fear was tangible, and quite the heavy low down. I suddenly felt a monumental heaviness for every overweight person on the planet, who felt they did not measure up to the impossible standards, of a freaking hanger. I developed sympatico for the kind of worries only high profile folks are subject to that I previously had no understanding of.  It is bad enough having to hit a low cycle in your life, it is exponentially more horrific doing so, while god and everyone is watching. I felt for every single one of us, and it made me cry.

A lot.

I am not going to lie, there were times that I wished with all my heart, I would just go to sleep and not wake up, so I could avoid the ongoing humiliation and the colossal amount of work that lay ahead. I absolutely did not want to face what I needed to, to get past this hurdle. I did not want to do this!! I was pissy-pot-pie on pep pills. I was dragging my tail behind me like a 800 lb leash. I was spitting nails angry that I would have to undo, what never should have occurred to begin with -had my doctor been a better advocate for my health. I knew the only way to get through this terrible turn of events, was going to require a whole bunch of effort on my part to fix.  I cannot even describe how pissed off I was about it.  Brad can though. He knows. He was my primary higher witness. He was the one I reached out to for the most part, although Papa and Christine were there for me also.

I called Brad a lot, so he caught the brunt of my furious rage. I called him crying, screaming, ranting, whimpering and too angry to speak. I called him just about every single day for months, working myself into lather almost every time I did.  He witnessed my death throes and I promise you, it wasn’t pretty. I had no way to dial myself down without a cigarette! I was screaming to the moon without a safety harness. I am convinced Brad must have put me on mute to get through the bulk of it. The endless repetition would have driven me crazy, but Brad took it like, he was actually paid to deal with me. No really. That is exactly how I would describe it. He really was a rock, on the other side of my hard place. I was frozen in my angst for months, before I was able to get moving again. My anger had eclipsed everything in my life, and I had become a shadow unto myself. 

The most horrific part of this for me was, dealing with the mirror. The one staring back at me was “Consumption V”, the version of myself who drank far to much to avoid her pain. I buried her almost 11 years ago, and here she was again, bloated and ready to gloat. It was incredibly hard to face her. I did not get sober and quit killing myself slowly, to face HER again!! Her very presence added insult to injury, and damn near pushed me, over the edge of myself. 

I was absolutely distraught.


Literally everything I knew how to do to move pass this, I ignored. I was obsessively hanging black crepe, in an effort to hide the terrible truth. The terrible truth was, there was no short cut! There was no easy fix. There was no savior on their way to magically fat burn me down and spit me out fabulous! I was ultimately going to have to move all the way through this alone, and it was going to take a tremendous amount of effort on my part, to do so. 


After a couple of professional examinations of my heart, and lungs, I got off my fat arse and started moving. It was my second attempt to do so. I had started with the gym the moment I became a non-smoker, but had to pause until my doc could figure out what was going on with my body. When I first started “Striding” (a combo of running, walking & occasionally some interpretive dance) I was so freaking out of shape, I could barely move myself at all. I felt like I was carrying 600 lbs of cement on top of my 800lb tail. It was such a drag! Quite literally. I was glad I had all the tests for my heart first, because it felt like I was having a heart attack every time I worked it out, for the first couple of weeks. I could not even believe how out of shape I was overall, having not been in a gym for 2 decades. I promise you when I say, there are a couple of smokers in my neighborhood that know I bawled my way through, many of my strides!

I hated every minute of the first several weeks of it.

I did not lose weight.


I was the biggest baby you have ever seen, and Brad heard it all. He would do everything he could, to intuitively diagnosis what ailed me, no doubt hoping my angst would end soon. It was he (and my mum) who suggested the thyroid was out of whack, when all my other tests were coming back normal.  I really am grateful to him for his time and efforts! He went to heroics for me, he really did.

But the thing that bothered me the most throughout this entire ordeal, was the fact that I could no longer feel the presence of The Illuminati in my life. I felt fully abandoned by them. I could not feel them in any way, shape, or form, even though it was clear my Initiation was still in progress, throughout it all.  I know, I know…they are always watching. But for me, it seemed they got into their space ships and decided to watch me from Saturn while they turned up the heat.  I thought they no longer cared about me, or how I was feeling. I felt they had pushed me down and left me for dead, even though it was my decision to quit smoking. I had several significant fires going in that same 6 months period of time, and I can honestly say it was (by far) the hardest part of my Initiation process, to date.

The whole time I was losing my shit, I reluctantly and RESENTFULLY moved towards the solution. I committed to exercise 5 days a week and for the most part, I followed through on that, even when I did not want to. Mostly, I did not want to. I was still livid that I even had to. The only reason I was able to show up at all, is because I knew showing up was the only way to get that person screaming at me from the back of my head, to shut the hell up. Besides, I immediately felt better knowing I was moving into a solution, even if I could not see any evidence of it.

At times I put all my heart into it and at others, I showed up halfheartedly. I showed up in the grubbiest fat clothes you can picture, but I showed up! Even when I gained an additional 7 more pounds, and I was in a state of despair as a result, I showed up.  Even when I was crying, I still showed up. I showed up to stride even if I had to take a nap beforehand, to do so.  I showed up when my legs were like painful balloons ready to pop. I showed up and strode through the freaking burning pain and the bloated loss of motion. I showed up with or without the music. With or without my enthusiasm.  And with or without any desire to do so. I hated almost every minute of it for 2 full months, possibly more, but I showed up. 

I freaking showed up!!

While I have yet to reach my goal, which is predicated on how I feel in my skin not how I look, I still feel 1000Xs better than I had before. I am starting to move more fluidly again, and the constant burning has ceased. I do not see “Consumption V” in the mirror anymore, and that alone brings a sign of relief, which has the potential to create hurricanes.



Without a doubt, this has been one of the most challenging battles of my life. This was on par with fighting your way back from an injury, after an accident for me.  Even though it does not yet show, I can feel HaPPy and Healthy V, being carved out inside of every corner of me.  I know it will not be very much longer, before the outside matches what is happening within. I can tell you right now though, my sense of accomplishment is over the stack right now! It is especially sweet, when you didn’t even want to do the thing, that you have kicked arse, taken names and DONE!!


OH!! And it turns out…this exercise stuff is GREAT at diminishing the smack my head likes to talk, and it doesn’t look so bad on my legs either! I’m starting to get excited about this renovated and ravishing V, I just know will emerge; eventually! The one who faced that freaking mountain, and strode all over it, like the Victoryas Princess-Goddess that she truly, and thoroughly  is!




The whole point of sharing this snippet, is to serve as a reminder for us all that we can face whatever it is, that stares us down. We can stare right back at it, face our fear, and conquer the fork out of whatever we must face.

That is a fact!

We are never given more than we can stand.

Please do NOT lose sight of that EVER, Beacons.


When you think you cannot do that thing, you don’t even want to do.

You can.

When you think you can go no farther, on a path you never wanted to take.

You will.

You can and you will.





Gallery  —  Posted: April 3, 2019 in Anger, Balance, Grief, Illuminati, Illuminatiam, Pissy-Pot_Pie
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I am busy finishing up one of the two books I have scheduled for release this year. Much of what I have been writing lately, is earmarked for that project. Due to the subject matter, this next book should be of particular interest to our IAMFAM.      It’s a bit of an Initiate “TELL ALL”.        Hehehehe~

Gallery  —  Posted: April 2, 2019 in FYI



A sociopath down to her core, she always watches you

And pathetically mimic’s, almost everything you do.

You are her obsession -that which she will never be

Because you walk upright, and don’t slither in trees.

Try as she might, she will never stand as tall

She is just another predator, in the thick of it all.

Blinded by her own narcissism, she truly cannot see

She is nothing anyone aspires to, or ever wants to be.


(Metaphorical Archetypes from my Garden of Eden Collection)

Gallery  —  Posted: March 25, 2019 in Archetypes, Poetry, WORD!
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In doing a little research for this one, I ran into Propertarianism. It is a fascinating alternative to our current governmental system.  I am liking it so far, as it values merit just like Meritocracy does, yet it has it’s own distinct twist. 

I am just now wadding through it, but it might very well render the following line of thinking for me, obsolete.

So here goes nothing!



My admirable friend, David Rothschild tweeted:   

“FREE SPEECH does not include Hate Speech…hate will not be tolerated”


(Which  pretty much inspired this blog, so thank you, Sir!)

OK. I hear you.

I actually feel ya, D.

I feel for everyone, your voice represents.

I truly do!

PS: This is not directed at your personally.


However,  the law of the land, states differently.

I agree hate speech as defined, is a deplorable civil Tort.

Hate is also a nasty emotion that can lead to violence, if unchecked.

Agreed. Agreed. Agreed!

BUT, so does lying to the masses, and that’s perfectly legal!


It is perfectly legal to lie from any pulpit, including your T.V. It is up the public, to discern the truth for themselves.

It is called critical thinking, perhaps folks have heard of it?

Anyway, unfortunately, that would require thought and research, something most are categorically unwilling to do.

I do not want to see any aspect of our fabulous FREE SPEECH laws repealed.

Not even the right to lie*

More importantly, neither does SCOTUS.

In fact, they recently ruled Propaganda to be legal, by rolling back a previous unconstitutional ban on it.*


I believe that lies literally lie, at the foundation of almost all kinds of hate.

So silencing the words that give voice to it, does not change it’s existence.

Unfortunately, hate will always be with us, whether seen or heard. 

Only the ignorant believe they can remove hate, by banning the words that express it.

In fact, it can be argued that festering hate leads to more violence, than hate that has a voice, no?



When it comes to free speech, either it is ALL free…

or we as humans, are not.




For me, it is that simple.

Because a line is the sand, always shifts with the prevailing winds.


Beyond the Media, who have been doing it for decades, who exactly determines what is hate speech, anyway?

You, today?

Me, tomorrow?

What about Conservatives or Liberals?

Or the current Administrations incumbents?

Will they decide, each in their turn?

Because that means the definition would change with each new party at the helm.

Each new agenda stifling opposition and criticism, to their favor.

Oh wait, that is already happening. Isn’t it?

Maybe we should let “The Church” handle that one? They are our moral superiors, are they not?

(Tongue in cheek)


It seems to me, hate is rooted in fear and watered by jealousy and envy. How can we legislate that?

No, really. How?


Here’s the deal…

We will never remove the feelings, even if we attempt to legislate the way we can express them.

This is what makes shifting laws governing the limits of free speech, so dangerous.

But blaming violence and war on ‘fighting’ words, instead of someones inability to control themselves, is irrational. 

Are we really going to take the ‘Devil made me do it’ mentality into a New Age?


Let me put it this way:

                      I PREFER to know where intolerance, prejudice & ignorance resides.

                Can’t fix something, you don’t know is an issue.

Can’t avoid something that is well hidden.

I want to know what people are thinking, so we can talk about it.

But I realize, I am not a mass mentality thinker.

As someone old enough to be your Mum, I feel like everyone needs to go to their forking rooms, and think about “IT” for awhile!

Is this the way we really want to go?


Are we really pushing for a low IQ mass mentality, a hive mind.

Is that what Unity is?

Are we really going to bash everyone down, to comply with whatever that master-minds say we must think, or feel?

Because if that is where you kids are wanting to take humanity, I can’t go with you.

I just can’t

It will be the destruction of our civilization, and the death of our species will not be far behind.

Thank you Trophy Gen, (although it is NOT your fault) for your unmerited bullshit and faulty logic. Way to be “woke” enough, to lead the Sheep to slander.

In the end you will win nothing, as your ill-bred ideology will bring you socialism and with it a dictator or worse, the collapse of you society.

Whether you realize it or not, you are attempting to dummy down all of mankind and systematically eliminated the voices of reason, to your own peril.

There is no where to go from there.

Thankfully, due to my proximity to the exit, I wont be going with you.

I was REALLY hoping folks would figure out how to heal past this ancient crap & start creating a different vibe altogether, because you cannot legislate human emotion.

You just can’t.

This isn’t 1984 (Orwell’s) where we get to eliminate words that we are uncomfortable with, to suit Big Brother.

Or is it?


I know it happened on my watch, but I cannot pin-point to the exact moment when humans became such easily offended & spineless pussy’s.

But man it is unattractive.

And exceedingly dangerous, given the Trojan horses that are already within this bleeding heart, border-less country.

I feel like we’re all caught in high school hell, on groundhogs day. 

Something I would think plays straight into the hands of Communist Russia….hmmmmmmmmmm…..hahahahaha~

But Hey!

Good luck with silencing your enemies!

Because censorship will never make them stop hating you, in fact it will only embolden them.


I personally prefer to teach my descendants to be Lions, and to ignore the opinions of Sheep~



Links to Learn More:



*Although this might be changing for me.



Gallery  —  Posted: March 21, 2019 in Free Speech, FYI, WORD!
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There you are Beacons!


I wanted to get this on the record for you guys, for future reference.

This is my evidence, and why I think The Illuminati cares deeply those, who have been subject to the worst our species can dish out.  I think they are as mortified as I am, by mans inhumanity to man. I believe they have indirectly encouraged me to explore this disturbing topic more thoroughly and have emboldened me, to bring it forward.

I first realized that pedophilia and perversion were on their radar, back in Dec 2016, after a series of tweets I posted on the topic. I was closely following WikiLeaks and Pizzagate at the time. I was attempting to bring some awareness to my followers, most of which, chose to ignore me. Perhaps due to the controversy that was going on at the time concerning the validity of the information that was coming forward. No judgement, it was a painful time for a lot of us who were willing to gaze into the abyss.

I was convinced there was something to all of this and looked deeply enough to convince myself that there was, before moving on and taking a break from the agony of it’s nasty reality. As a Soul Mama at heart, I can hardly stand the mental images that come with a topic as hideous as this one. It is more than I can hardly stand. So I get it. Most folks do not want to hear about any of this. They would prefer to stay innocent and believe the best in people. I certainly would have preferred that myself. But knowledge does not let us sleep in the dark for long. And that which is hidden, does come to the surface; eventually.

This is something that we as a species MUST look at and eradicate. Straight up. There is no other way around any of this, we must go through it. We must look at what we have allowed to flourish, by our unwillingness to accept true and disturbing evil lives among us, and they are HUMAN!

*Below was my first nod from IAM regarding this issue.


In preparation leading up to iMark’s expose’ titled: INHUMANITY, I had made this post on twitter that IAM almost immediately (in Illuminati time), responded to.  Again, more evidence that I was on the right track choosing to bring this forward? It was to me. 

I had enlisted Christine Ingraham and Brad Adams to help accomplish the goal of bringing some awareness and education to this complicated and upsetting issue. They too felt their investigations were aided by random information that would come to them, in the most unlikely of ways.  Everyone was convince without a shadow of a doubt, that this needed to come out into the Light of day, and that we needed to chime in with the thousands of voices that were working in concert, to do this worldwide. 


We all could not ask for more obvious backing than this. This statement is clearly directed at the underbelly of humanity. The Illuminati did not stutter when they made these comments just a few days before our informal opening into the topic.  This is NOT an issue that will be brushed under the carpet for much longer. Even now, there are high profile cases coming out into the open, and there will be more. Many more. We will see household names accused, apprehended and held accountable. It is going to be very unsettling time for many. It will not be pleasant to find out our icons, be they political, musical or theatrical are disgusting predatory perverts. But we must face this, to move into a solution. Shining a little Light on this, is going to prevent it’s further growth -while drastically reducing how many are effected.


This is the single most compelling reason why war and violence, needs to become obsolete for me personally. It is at the root, of what ails our civilization. We simply cannot keep living like this, if we are to survive ourselves. The time has come to face the things that have been festering in the dark and bring them into the Light to be sanitized and healed.

I am calling for compassion, as we look deeply into what we have become, so that we can become something better, together~


*Thank you for your amazing support IAM!

It took me awhile to find the right folks to help me do this, because as you know, I am way too tender to look very deeply, myself. Unfortunately the gal I originally asked to participate, did not follow through as promised. Too busy playing children’s games, to be bothered to truly help kids, I guess? It reminded me once again, people will talk a good game, but often are not who, or what they say they are.  A valuable lesson revisited -that actually applies to the subject at hand. Anyway, I apologize for the delay. But apparently it was necessary.

I also wanted to say, I am tremendously grateful that you helped lead the team, to the right information for us to include! It was important to Brad and Nikki that they made themselves armchair experts, before sharing this knowledge with others. We are all very grateful for your signs and symbols!

Personally, I learned a lot through all this, and have far more compassion for those caught in the shadows now, than I did when we started.

We truly hope we have done this subject justice, and that justice will fall on those who have eluded her thus far, without mercy~


Gallery  —  Posted: March 19, 2019 in Abuse, Humanity, Illuminati, Illuminatiam, Random
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Regardless of what my ‘handles’ say.

Apparently iVy Taroc is preferable to the search engines!



Thank you!!

Gallery  —  Posted: March 14, 2019 in FYI


imagesI have been blogging now for four whole years -as of yesterday.


I have been writing all my life, most of which is lost in antiquity. 


I have been writing in one place now, for four full years!

FOUR freaking YEARS!!


That is kind of a big deal in my world. Or at least it should be.

Today I am all kinds of mercury-retrograde meh.


It IS cool to watch my cadence improve, though.

I do feel like I finally started to step into myself, on these pages.


Well, I did feel that way. For a minute.

Mostly thanks to Mint & >B<


Unfortunately though, I feel like I have lost my way, and I am not certain I am on path anymore.

I am trying to write my way through it, but my motivation is just gone. 

Hades pretty much kicked my arse.

And I pretty much bled out.



I finally freaking crawled out of the abyss, only to discover this:

I’m caught in a loop circling some La-la-land of Make-Believe, off the coast of Misfit Island.

Holy Hell!

I must be a loon!?


But Hey…HaPpy Anniversary V~


Gallery  —  Posted: March 11, 2019 in FYI, Hell, Milestone
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God Damn it!!





A voice from behind

That’s definitely not me.

I hear you calling

from somewhere

I can’t see.

Inside I know

I’m not my own boss.

We rule this roost

But at a shared cost.

It’s love and unlucky

Twisted in two

One on one, we are fated

In all that we do.

The tension is such

That at the end of all time.

Mutual release explodes

Into a birth of some kind~


One resurrects

What another slays.

Neither life nor death

Permanently stays.

A pendulum of contrasts

That constantly sways

A magical union

In infinite play~

(Metaphorical Archetypes from my Garden of Eden Collection)

Gallery  —  Posted: March 5, 2019 in Archetypes, Metaphor
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Hated for not bringing the meat, so to speak

His offerings weren’t sanctioned by blood

A farmer of violence and war in the world

A precursor to the ‘flood’.


He has everything hidden deep within

But his actions spoke out loud

His sin was his envious ego

He was far too jealous, and proud.


He is marked for all time, they say

To remind those of us, who can see

The coiled still lies latent in men

Regardless how far from the tree.


But before we cast this Cain into Hell

There is something more in this story, to rock

For this is the man, it would seem

That sired a boy named, Enoch!



The image provided above is by

Gallery  —  Posted: March 5, 2019 in Archetypes, Metaphor, Uncategorized
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An apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree

Wether it’s a bully or human puss-see

A collector of truths, as dumb as the last

We’re forbidden fruit -that’s ahead of your class.

A million bits of data that won’t  harmonize

Hypocrisy is ugly, in no matter what size.

The bite’s not too deep

If at the core, it’s true

This ‘poisoned pen’, wants a re-write on you~


(Metaphorical Archetypes from my Garden of Eden Collection) 


Gallery  —  Posted: March 4, 2019 in Archetypes, Metaphor
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We know who you are,

and we know what you’ve done,

Soon the others will too.

But you’re too dense to slither away

Before exposure comes to you.


You’re role playing a game you can’t win

No bots can cultivate fame

You have failed to gauge our skill set dear

We too can release social pain.


Consider this a merciful warning,

The court of public opinion, is real

Soon you will become constricted

In a way, even evil can feel~


(Metaphorical Archetypes from my Garden of Eden Collection)

Gallery  —  Posted: March 4, 2019 in Archetypes, Metaphor
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She’s not just his helpmate

She’s a goddess, not girl

Uncompliant and moody

Eternal desire; unfurled.


She is always on top

Even laying beneath him

She’ll wear his pants

But NEVER ever, his sin.



This is the one,

That makes Adam a man.

The one he longs for, yet cannot stand~


Gallery  —  Posted: March 3, 2019 in Archetypes, Metaphor
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(Metaphorical Archetypes from The Garden of Eden Collection)

Gallery  —  Posted: March 2, 2019 in Archetypes, Metaphor, Random
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She is irresistible to those, who do not know

Her jewels are poisoned from something below

One sip of her cup and she will digress

Taking the best of us down and up under her mess

She is not nakedly truthful, her intents are veiled

She is the ship in the distance that has already sailed

A beauty to behold, and more charming than most

All of  her promises, a unholy ghost~


(Metaphorical Archetypes from my Garden of Eden Collection)

Gallery  —  Posted: March 1, 2019 in Archetypes, Metaphor, Poetry
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I’ve been waxing poetic of late, and will begin releasing my Metaphorical Archetypes: The Garden of Eden Collection, starting this evening.

My inspiration comes from a variety of people, including other Initiates.

I often tell those closest to me, if you don’t want some aspect of yourself to end up in my writing, run now! Lol

Archetypes are unavoidable teachers along our journey to the center of ourselves. The choice to erase or embrace them each in their season, is as inescapable as the path itself. Each in their turn, a better version of ourselves, revealed.  

I have posted a disclaimer regarding my work, and it is especially relevant when it comes to my prose.

Fair warning, I am a passive aggressive AF poet! “Sometimes”. It may not seem like it, but I actually love & am quite grateful, for the contrast in my life. My worldview is vastly more colorful, as a result!


Gallery  —  Posted: March 1, 2019 in Archetypes, Metaphor, Pissy-Pot_Pie, Poetry
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First off…THANK YOU for caring about me so much! It is beyond humbling and not taken for granted on my end.

I need you guys to know this to prevent rumors based on my own admissions. Every time I have gone through depression, it has been a result of aka a by-product of, a physical affliction or trauma.

Please note regarding my PTSD: I moved past the depression stage of that particular challenge, 3 decades ago plus.


Depression is NOT a chronic condition for me. It is circumstantial & quite temporary.

Please be advised, by the time I release one of my wordy creations, the moments I am speaking of, has already past.

So there is no need to worry, my beautiful and thoughtful Beacons.

While I appreciate your amazing outpouring of love and concern behind the scenes more than you know, it is no longer necessary once I have gone to print, as the storm has already passed.

So if you could please send your Love & Light on the regular, that would be absolutely delicious, and appreciated beyond measure!


And thank you for being so gracious to me, as I grow~

Gallery  —  Posted: March 1, 2019 in Depression, FYI

There you are Beacons!


I continue to be MIA, as I get things done behind the scenes that have deadlines attached to them. This is in effect well into Spring 2019.  I appreciate your continued patience more than you know!

If you absolutely need to get a hold of me, please do so HERE 

Finally got back into one of my FB accounts last night. I am not one to use that particular system often, and it is easy for me to forget it is there. My primary Social Media hang out is Twitter @VG00DRICH

  I am having formatting issues here on my blog. I tried something that didn’t work out. Just so you know, I throw my blog into PRIVATE when I am working on something, because  I do not have the package that allows for the Maintenance Mode plugin. So if things seems scrammbly to you now, they are!

Our iMARK FB page & group are fully operational and you can continue to contact the station in DMs there. Our Twitter DMs are not available at this time. Using our email is always the quickest route overall. That link is provided above.

iMARK is working on a highly upsetting, but informative expose’ into Pedophilia and Sex Trafficking. The researching part is waaaay slow to go, as one can only take so much of it, at a time. My hat is off to Brad and Nikki Cee for handing the most disturbing content. I absolutely could not do this thing, without them.  I wanted to bring this forward early on, but unfortunately a former volunteer did not follow through with the help I needed to get this going.  I have no problem owning I cannot do this by myslef, so I apologize for the delay IAM! Thankfully, the right people with far more professionalized abilities to search deep and wide, have helped us all get information I have never seen in print before. We hope to educate, even though it is material we ALL wish did not exist.

Personally I am in the process of completing two more books. I am running behind schedule, due to the lack of reliable service and devices in my home. Some of this will be resolved in the next week, or so says Sprint.  I will be back at it, as soon as possible. I’m really excited to bring the next book in particular to market. I think you guys will find it an interesting read! 

I have been waxing poetic of late, and will begin releasing my Metaphorical Garden of Eden Collection next week! My inspiration comes from other Initiates. Please be advised, each poem has aspects of several folks that have inspired me, in one way or another. I have posted a disclaimer regarding my work and it certainly is especially relevant when it comes to my prose.

I know waiting on IAM for further inspiration, or guidance regarding the New World Order, can be extremely frustrating. Many of us (especially the more seasoned Initiates) are anxious to get the show on the road. But haste is not something The Illuminati is about. This is a looooong game that must be well thought out before execution.  This is why patience is a highly valued virtue around here. 

In the mean time…

There is much for us to do,  as we prepare ourselves to participate at various  levels of IAMs Public Outreach. Continue to walk the path you are on, and perfect your craft as you go. Study and research not just The Illuminati messages and books, but any other manner of knowledge that will benefit you with your role in the Universal Design. Use the time available to you beyond your day job, to learn as much as you can about this outreach and pass that information on to others. As stated in ILLUMINATIAM, the desire of the Illuminati is that ALL people, in ALL places are given a chance to Follow the Light before the storms hit. As Initiates, I believe it is our responsibility to help facilitate that. We are the ones who have been trusted to be the heralds of Light, in a world that will go dim, before it gets brighter.

Please deeply consider the enormity of this rarefied high calling.


Alright, that is all I know for now! Please have a WONDERful weekend Beacons!


Gallery  —  Posted: March 1, 2019 in FYI, Misc.
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There you are Beacon’s!

Let’s refresh our knowledge base on Badges together, before the MP Community reopens.

Here is our example: “Verification” is a Permanent BADGE.

If you are unfamiliar with the details governing this particular distinction , they can be found posted here, under the title: VERIFICATIONverify

The following is straight from the Members Portal and I thought it important enough to archive the info here, as well. There seems to be a lot of misunderstanding and confusion regarding ‘Badges’ and I am hoping to help eliminate some of that.

Since new Badges are likely to appear when the Community reopens later this year, I want all Initiates to be grounded in what they represent, so those who have earned them, can be rightfully respected, for having done so.

Please guys, this must be stated in the strictest terms I can conjure…

You many not like the person who merits a given Badge, however you must respect The Illuminati’s choice to honor their status and/or accomplishments. NEVER forget, it is THE ILLUMINATI themselves who has given these badges out, not our fellow Initiates.

If you have no respect for the decisions of The Illuminati, and are bad-mouthing their choices, you are not only impeding your own advancement here, you are likely following the wrong path altogether.

SO, please deeply consider this as we move forward, Initiates.




Remember guys, Badges are an honor and have been earned!



If you have any additional questions, please ask them below.



Gallery  —  Posted: February 27, 2019 in Badges, FYI
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To introduce, recruit, enlist, convert and baptize are synonyms.


There is no question in my mind, this path is not for everyone.

One needs to be made of the kind of stuff that is not found in every man, or women. If this were the easy road, it would have been travel by the masses and trampled to death, long ago. There would be nothing remarkable about this journey, and likely secret societies would not even exist, as a result.

However, this IS the path less traveled. The journey rarely taken, and even more rarely understood, as a never ending journey.

Although there are milestones.

  This is not for the heartless, those that quit, or those who have no character or intestinal fortitude. It takes guts, grit and integrity, to move through the Initiation process created by The Illuminati. As stated in Is the Illuminati Good or Evil, “Not all leaders are invited to join our membership. Many lack the intelligence and integrity that we require…” This should give us all insight, into what The Illuminati reveres. I cannot recommend reading that one again, if you haven’t recently.

I wanted to drive a very important point home that may have been lost in my other writings about Initiation, from my perspective. While the path is not for all, all who travel it will be perfected in ways, distinctive to them alone. This path appears to be custom tailored. Each initiation is one of a kind, like those who are invited to participate. 

Part of this seems to be about our unique roles in the Universal Design. In Illuminatiam, The First Testament of the Illuminati, it states that Ranking Membership comes with an OFFICIAL TITLE, reinforcing in my mind, those who are successful in passing through the Initiation process,  indeed have “roles” in this organization that are in alignment with the Universal Design.

The process by which a person’s character is tested, would be similar for all, but preparation for our roles, which I believe is an element of this whole production, is not. In that way, no two people will experience the exact same thing, as they move through this ancient establishment. Although the blueprint seems to have the same basic pattern; birth, death and personal resurrection, the rest of it is highly customized. So, we all get tested in the same ways on one hand, and the custom stuff comes from the other.

I believe my initiation which I have entered into of my own Free Will, is testing me to see if I practice what I preach, because I am an emerging Evangelight. They are probably looking to see if I actually take my own advice, on top of everything else they are looking for. What I am being groomed for, is different than what you are being prepared for. All of this is time tested and seems to be connected with our individual roles in the Universal Design.

But your path will be very different than mine. And your trials, geared towards a differing outcome; altogether. Our characters and crafts are refined, customized,  and cultivated, through a system that EVERY other Illuminati member has passed through, before us. Si in that way we are in good company.

Given we have answered the call to be Shepherds of our Species during stormy weather, I believe in order to be selected to do so, we must be able to stand the storms ourselves, to lead others through them. We must be able to be trusted under fire, for others to trust us in battle. We must be creatures of character, to be leaders worth following as we guide our species to a higher place in our evolutionary journey. Each role, no less important than the next. Each string weaving the very fabric of our existence, with the utmost perfection, once seen from the top of the pyramid.

I have to tell you guys though, having someone to share all of this with, who is going through it themselves, is incredibly helpful to me. I would be completely lost without my IAMfam here, because my real-time peeps, just don’t get it. It is almost impossible to explain any of this, to those who have never experienced it for themselves, so I stopped even trying. My IAMfam are my life line and the few that I share with, are as committed as I am to getting through the refinement fires. It is fascinating to hear about the ways in which they believe IAM is leading them as individuals, in accordance with their emerging roles. I marvel at the indirect ways in which the Illuminati is able to make their presence known, without any direct contact. I have learned there are reasons for everything, even NOT getting the “likes”.

I cannot encourage you all enough, to develop a close bond with at least one other initiate. You are going to need each other to bounce things off of, once your initiations begins in earnest. Especially if you are flying blind, like I was. Part of the reason for me sharing my experiences with everybody, is to help demystify a very mysterious process. It goes without saying, I am no expert in any of this. I was so completely clueless when I started, and somewhat clueless, even now. I just want to assist others like myself in their orientation, to the best of my ability. 

Because honestly, this shit is hard enough, without being totally ignorant, like I once was~



Please note: This is what I have come to understand by what I have experienced personally and have seen in others around me. I am by no means speaking on the Illuminati’s behalf here, I am speaking ABOUT my relationship to them, from my own point of view. Surely theirs is VERY different than mine!!


I am well aware many of you have been involved in ‘loyal water buffalo lodges’ before, and are in no need of my perspective. I am speaking to a specific audience, who I hope will benefit from what I am saying.

If you tassel-hat guys (wink) have anything to add, I would LOVE to hear from you!

Please add your comments below, Beacons.


Gallery  —  Posted: February 27, 2019 in Illuminatiam, initiation, Random
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How in the world I recently circled back on myself, is beyond me. However I do blame the Illuminati, for blowing on the embers of my soul.  Their unseen winds, igniting a fire within that is burning much more fiercely, than it existed in its original state. I cannot possibly express my gratitude for this process, and the walk I have taken through the underworld, to reach deeper into the mysteries of myself. I can see now, I have been ceaselessly guided by the Light of those, who are ALWAYS watching out for us.

Having returned from hell, far too many times to count, I have finally arrived back onto the path that has been designed especially for me. And the cool thing is guys, you all have one of your own unique, design. It has been engineered especially for you too!

This is what I have learned about my role in this theater, we call life…

I embody the 3rd definition of Evangelism. And the 6th definition of Evangelist! (air quotes)
#3: missionary zeal, purpose, or activity~
#6: a person marked by evangelical enthusiasm for or support of any cause~

Or perhaps it’s more accurate to state that this energy embodies me!

Allow me to be more specific, since evangelism came out of the Protestant Movement, and I since have consciously rejected the Gods of Men…let’s just say, the word needed some tweaking to evolve it. So…I have come up with my own definition, that I feel is more precise, for me personally. It is more in alignment with who I truly am, by design. I know there are others out there like me, so it’s to them that I humbly dedicate & submit this new term, for public use.

I AM an #EvangeLight!!


That’s it.

And I’m practicing for the day that my voice will have more reach. Because I know folks are hurting & lost in spiritual confusion, at a time in our history, where a more rational and logical vision, is desperately needed in the mix.

Too many of us have defaulted to escapism, sorcery &  salacious animalistic instincts, to deny, distract or avoid the distress of a world in painful transition. Even to the casual observer, not yet fully awake -we as a species seem to be experiencing a collective form of insanity.

Growing numbers of us, are beginning to realize, we’ve  been surrounded by lies. We’ e been dummied down & our potentials enslaved.  We can feel it, even if we cannot give words to it.

But deep down, in all this crazy & chaos, there IS something more. We know something is out there, or at least around here somewhere!  We can sense that it’s bigger than the both of us. And it surely seems to have ALL of us, surrounded!

I have been called to help activate the fires within those, who are destined to rise from the ashes of a dying old world order. Bottom line human family, religion as we have known it, will perish. And out of the embers, the glowing truth will remain. Between here and there, it will get hot & chaotic, as we collectively face the hell of our own creation, first. It ain’t gonna be pretty, so we need to hold hands here, as we struggle through our collective process. The Phoenix will surely rise, of that, there can be no sustainable doubt. The growing pains WILL be worth it. They will labor, to bring forth new life.

There is much to do, and a long way to go, before the Light reaches it’s apex. Religion will not go quietly. In-spite of its control mechanism & eventual corruption, it was a necessary part of our evolutionary design.  And we need to respect the role it has played In our development. Our spiritual infancy & teenage years were fashioned by religions repressive reach. However, it ALL works together in the long haul. We are ever expanding creatures, despite how it looks from our limited points of view. In the grand scheme of things, we got this. We are not designed to remain stagnant, nor have we truly ever been. Regardless of what traditionalists will tell us.

I want to help you guys see things from a broader perspective, and in doing so much of your personal spirit led journey, might come into clearer focus. Perhaps in a way, you might not see coming! Although it has been there, unchanged all along. The Alpha & the Omega, that Grand Architect of All. All we have to do, is agree upon a name. Plus some common denominators. Because it has many of each. It will become crystal clear going forward, why we call this particular energetic & creative divine mind, the Light. And my purpose, is to help folks find & follow it.

If you’re reading this, and have not followed me as of yet, I invite you to join my emerging inner evangeLight, as she she gears up, to go global.

The Age of enLightenment is dawning. It’s time we build a new spiritual foundation in which we may grow spiritually towards the Light together, individually and as one. Our common denominator is the Light. We must make this simple truth, our earthquake proof foundation. There is strength in numbers -magnified power, where 2 or more are gathered.

Our spiritual unification is not only our destiny, it is our birthright! It is time we inherit the love, harmony, joy, innovation, creativity, abundance and the magnificent order, that goes along with it.

Thank you for your precious time guys!! Have a wonderful week!


Gallery  —  Posted: February 27, 2019 in Change, Enlightenment, Free Speech, FYI, Grateful, Hardships, Humanity, Illuminatiam, Light, Oneness, Storms
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I was so distracted by the shadows that constantly surround me, I had completely lost sight of, the transformational power of the Light within!

I went straight to emotional hell as a result.

I have actually been camped out there for quite some time, I am embarrassed to report. But it was a necessary journey for me. One that reminded me just how incredibly powerful our thought life really is! Apparently, I needed the reminder. I mean, talk about flying blind! I was circling my own bullshit, trapped in the mire of my own negative thought patterns. I can now say with complete confidence, that depression comes from within! I was allowing my stinkin-thinkin, to construct a mental prison around me, because I was focusing on the things that I found disturbing, instead of the delicious & deLightful!

The descent into darkness is almost imperceptible at first. It starts with unchecked thoughts like: I am not good enough. I am too old, I am hated, I am not a good leader, etc etc etc. Allowing any one of these thoughts to exist without rejection, provides the building blocks of our own demise. Theses destructive words and expressions are what imprison us. And the truly ironic thing about it, is they are LIES! I can’t even believe I allowed this to happen again, since I truly know better. But I am truly grateful for the painful reminder, about how incredibly creative or destructive, our minds really are. 

I urgently & emphatically implore you, to guard your thoughts!

They are the cornerstones of your immediate and future reality. They will shape your experience in ways you may not like. Or draw things to you, that you love. They are responsible for literally everything that occurs in matter and if we do not control them, they WILL construct a world, that controls us. I have learned, the most effective way out of a adverse thought pattern, is to replace it with preferable messages, from the opposite extreme. We must reprogram ourselves.

Now this is where it gets tricky, because it is easier said than done. The hardest part is actually realizing what we are currently saying to ourselves. That awareness is critical step one, towards the solution that will set us free. When we are caught in darker thought patterns, it is very difficult to record something positive over the top of them. Largely because we have begun to believe the negative and the new thoughts feel like categorical lies.

Well who cares!! LIES got us into the ditch, in the first place! So lie to yourself!! Tell yourself the exact opposite of what you are currently streaming in the background! Do this every time a self defeating thought floats by. Do it after every comment thought or spoken to you, that suggests you are anything less that a powerful creative Light with great value and purpose on this planet.

Again, it doesn’t matter if you believe it right now! Eventually you will!

Just override any negativity with positive reinforcement, about how truly fabulous you are! Find things you love about yourself, things you are thankful & grateful for, and repeat those things. Throw in some epic lies, regarding the things you want to become in there too, for good measure. Do this over and over and over again!  Do it forever! Your life will start changing immediately within and soon your outer world, will become solid a reflection, of the things going on inside you.

Do this without ceasing, because I just learned the hard way, without true vigilance, the incredible programming power of the world around us, will take over for us, if we turn our heads away for too long.

I invite you to start reprogramming yourself right now. Do not delay. You can begin the moment you have finished reading/listening to this and see the results far quicker than you ever imagined.

So go on now…get out of here! Go find a place to sit alone for awhile and get your head back in the game. The sooner you do, the sooner the solutions will come to saturate your being with the healing & restorative powers of an enlightened mind.

This alone, will reshaped your reality.


Gallery  —  Posted: February 27, 2019 in Co-Creation, Enlightenment, FYI, Grateful, Hardships, Healing, Knowledge, WORD!



Fear Not!!

Hardships are a necessary part of the initiation process. Only those who overcome them, will succeed through the various levels of initiation.

That is why I write about them so much you guys. So you will see the value in them and find encouragement to get through them.

This process is NOT for everyone. Although EVERYONE is invited to apply.
This is a lifestyle, not a test or two and you are IN. There will be many tests and most are not on paper. Then of there is the waiting. The endless patience building; waiting.

In the almost 4 years I have been at this, I have seen more drop out, than I have seen those that keep going. Many start out strong and sprint pass others to what they believe is the finish line, not realizing this is a never ending endurance game.
Unfortunately those who are able to suffer through the struggles of the long haul, are few and far between.

Remember, the Illuminati states in ILLUMINATIAM that all manner of hardships are placed in our path, (including addictions) to see if temporary discomfort will cause us to turn away from the Light. These are designed to test our resolve and to harden the armor around our souls. All the more so, if you have been chosen to go through The Illuminati’s initiation process for Leadership.

It is absolutely OK,  if after a mile or two, you would rather play a supporting role. Please do not feel discouraged if at the end of the day, this gig is not for you. Not everyone around here, wants to or needs to be, a leader. We need actually need
folks willing to promote and support IAMs messages and messengers too, you know!

There is a place for ALL of us in the Universal Design. And believe it or not, you will love your role, once you discover it. It has been custom designed, just for you!

Leadership is not for everyone, and until recently, it wasn’t something I desired or pursued, AT ALL.  It’s a really, really, tough and often thankless job, riddled with irrational extremes and infinite blame. 1/3 of our own family will hate you, just for being out front, and another half of them, will hate you for what you do and/or say, while you are out there.

I have always preferred to be the man behind the power! But apparently The Illuminati sees me as a Bride, not a Bridesmaid, so I am doing my best to live up to their confidence in me. But it ain’t easy. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. It’s actually a really tough row, to how.

So by all means, relax into this thing. It is not only OK to take your time around here, it is advisable. Watch while you wait. Get the lay of the land. Take some time to see where
your unique gifts, talents and skill set, can be developed further, to serve others. Because at the end of the day, this is the bottom line. This is what this whole thing is all about: Service to others, not self glorification. Service to Humanity, not yourself personally!

Those who think otherwise, will be sorely disappointed. The glory seekers, sadly left wanting~

“Fear not for the struggles you face in this moment: be they money, relationships, war, or hunger. These are impermanent and temporary concerns that plague every member of the human species regardless of wealth or power or prestige.

No one is free from their clutches. But find security in knowing that you are always safe in the Light.”

-The Illuminati

A special “thank you” goes out to Citizen Member Nicholas Hastie for inspiring this post~

Gallery  —  Posted: February 27, 2019 in Hardships, Illuminatiam, Leadership
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I am transmitting from HELL!!


I am completely miserable and overwhelmed. It is very difficult for me to see the Light right now, it is so fucking dim!!

However, the black crepe comes down tomorrow, regardless.

I know from experience, I will find my way out of this long dark tunnel, somehow. It surely leads to brighter days and a better view, or a return to the Light, from which I originate~

Either way, I have always been, and will always be, Victoryas!


PS: Raven flew by and told me someone was leaving.

Riven passed away this evening~


Gallery  —  Posted: February 27, 2019 in Grief, Light, Quotes, Random, Truth
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A roadblock like no other…

plural noun: addictions
  1. the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.
    “he committed the theft to finance his drug addiction”
    synonyms: dependency, dependence, habit, problem

Based on the meaning of the word alone, we all have them. Although the word addiction it is a more shameful option, when describing Dependency and Habit. The word itself draws its own line of demarcation, between healthy obsession, and unhealthy enslavement.

From favorite foods to fetishes, we as a species go full throttle on the things that we love the most. While many addictions are largely harmless,  like an obsession with rock hunting or stamp collecting, others can be down right dangerous to indulge in. Some have more dire impending  emotional, financial or physical consequences. All of which reveal something about ourselves.

This is not a subject I have to explain in depth to my brilliant audience of Beacons. We all know more than we care to, about the addictive nature of humans. Most of us have been touched by them in one form or another. Many of us have had our own to overcome. Myself included. It is worth noting, some addictions come from things that are literally designed to hook. Like cigarettes and crack, to name a couple. Yes, designer drugs are indeed engineered to hook you, if you have a proclivity for the sensation they provide. Having been hooked by design, does not necessarily mean you have an addictive personality in general, worthy of undue scrutiny. So don’t play that game with yourself. It only adds more shame. Regardless of type, addictions can be indicators that we are actually on a path towards greatness. Yes. Greatness.

Please allow me explain…

The ILLUMINATIAM: The First Testament of the Illuminati (see below) briefly touches on this highly sensitive subject with 3 fingers pressed deep into the soul, for those who have not overlooked the powerful message of this one paragraph. It implies without a doubt, addictions are a TEST, meant to filter out those who should not have access to true world-shaping power.

So we can fancy ourselves leaders all we want, and even be in leadership to some degree at our jobs.  However to be handed real power by The Illuminati, requires a deeper evaluation than we get from those retail or hotel chains we work for. Our ability to pass through a myriad of hardships that have been designed to test our resolve, are the true indicators of those who are ready to assume species-shaping power. Ultimately, we must prove we are capable of shepherding humanity, to those who watch out for us all.


So the question becomes, will you turn from the Light, when broken? How will you react, when you lose someone or something you love? Will you forget all you have learned and return to an addiction, when your heart is broken? Will you return to those ciggs or coke, when your body is no longer recognizable from quitting? Will you suspend your ethics and resort to criminal activity, to maintain your habits? Will you harm those you love, to feed your addiction to sensations? There is simply no way to know, until the situation arises. Following the Illuminati, pretty much guarantees you will face your demons, even if you believe you have already conquered them.

The reason I am casting additional Light on this subject and exploring it more deeply with you, is largely because far too many of our IAMfam, are needlessly suffering from unconquered addictions.  Addictions that will prevent further growth and opportunity, not just in this outreach, but in our lives overall. Many of you have shared your struggles with me, whiles others of you have obvious behaviors that point to a problem. It is because I identify with you that I am bringing this forward, for your serious evaluation and analysis. If the Illuminati states things including addictions are placed as roadblocks in our lives, we all need to pay close attention to that. There is much to glean from this together.

I have been following the Light with The Illuminati for four years now. I have openly shared my experiences with you guys as I have moved through the initiation process, in hopes it would help you, with yours. The longer I have been influenced by this enlightened organization, the more I have had to change my life, to adjust to the higher calling it represents. Following the Light is not an empty platitude. It isn’t something we preach without practicing. It is process of gritty, and often painful soul polishing that reflects on every aspect of our lives. It becomes a lifestyle that cannot be faked by parrots or mimics. Folks who talk but don’t walk, won’t survive this thing. It is absolutely not a path for victims, sissies, or shysters. Our words alone are not qualifiers of greatness. It must be demonstrated in the things we value and act upon that sets us apart from the herd.

Before I found IAM, I was not a stranger to victory. As my name implies, I have fought my whole life, to overcome hardship, addiction, loss and abuse, in an ongoing effort to become a better version of myself. It has literally taken decades for me to balance my own books, and clean my own closets. So please do not erroneously believe, you can get from where you are now, to where you want to be; immediately. Our lives are not a get rich overnight gig. Like fine wine, we are aged into wisdom, and seasoned into success.

I was alcohol free, for 6 years when I found and starting following the IAM. Conquering what for me, was an ugly habit…was not accomplished in one, sole made-for-tv attempt. I kept at it, even when my last run with booze was kicked off by someone else unintentionally, after 2 1/2 years of sobriety.  In fact, nothing I have ultimately given up, was done with ease.

I had to fight for it and through it, with passion & patience.

I hid everything in the bottle, including myself.  From my dreams to my drama, everything about me was drowning in vodka. Honestly, quitting was an indirect act of humanitarianism, when I was finally able to raise my personal vibration, as a result of climbing out of that vindictive bitch! Lol. It actually required something of me far beyond just being sober. I had to look long and hard at the reasons why I was hiding.

I personally believe this is why so many people statistically return to their own vomit, so to speak. They cannot stomach the intensity of ruthless self evaluation.  When the Light shines on the darkest places within, it is hard to look at what we have hidden in there. It is nauseating to finally see the shit we have been wallowing in. The years of accumulation and backlog is so overwhelming, most return to the safety of their addictions, rather than clean up their crap. Believe me, this is not a condemnation, I get it! It isn’t easy to balance the books of a life unchecked. It is grueling, painful and flat out embarrassing, to do so. It takes far more work, than popping a cork or a pill! But it is vastly worth the effort, I promise you that much.

I wish I could say that was my only unsavory habit. Unfortunately, it was not. I had two more under my wings where that one came from, and they needed to be addressed as soon as I was able muster the effort. I wouldn’t have even considered them a hindrance per se. Smoking stuff, is simply not on par with drinking spirits, in my mind, anyway. But for me, and my unique role in the Universal Design, they were.

Not long after finding the Illuminati, the internal nagging began again. That small still voice that was gently encouraging me to ‘knock it off’, eventually became an insistent scream that I could no longer ignore. I had to get clean of my dirty, dirty, low-down. Because I hate the forking head talk, otherwise. It gets obnoxious! It drives me crazy and it always gets it’s way in the end, anyway. Whoever calls my shots from the ether, is one persistent son of a bitch.

I am sure some of you know EXACTLY what I am referring to here. This is why I am talking to you about this.


This is a test of our resolve. Because no matter how bright we think we are shining while we are feeding our addictions, we are far dimmer than we will be, if we flee from them. It is a frequency thing. Our vibes are weighed down by the imbalance, I assure you.

So I gave up recreational grass on Independence Day. YEP, I sure did. Don’t get me wrong, I love the stuff, and absolutely see it’s medicinal value. However, my use of it went well beyond all that. My use was more far more robust than “recreational”.  It was a way to handle “my feelings”, and dial down my angst. I fully recognized that I needed to continue to learn how to handle these things without crutches. I needed to learn to navigate my own bullshit, without aid. Because god forbid, if Armageddon comes, I might have to actually help lead people! I can only imagine the kind of additional chaos that would ensue, if I had to deal with a broken supply chain too! Yikes. Can you imagine!? That would be a nightmare.

(Insert bugged eyed emoji here)

But seriously…As I see it, I am living a higher profile life now, and I do not want to give anyone any reason to discount my point of view, beyond the viewpoint itself.  While I do not speak FOR the Illuminati, I do speak ABOUT them, and I feel I must be the very best representative I can be. I see The Illuminati as being the best and the brightest minds this planet has to offer and I don’t imagine they are stoners, like I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, later in life, I will go there again, but not now. I am delaying gratification until I literally have nothing better to do, or need it for pain on my death bed. Or as a reward for a life finished strong.  The advice that really pushed me over the edge and encouraged me to leave this part of my life behind, did not come from the control freak some call a conscious that barks orders at me, it was this:


I have always been one to shy away from the masses, so with the move towards legalizing medical marijuana, came a knee-jerk pause in me. When IAM added this to “Illuminations”: Wisdom from the Planet’s Brightest Minds, the weed thing for me, immediately came to mind. I knew it was time to change my tune. So after a lot contemplation, I finally did on July 4th.  To say I was out of sorts for awhile as a result, is a colossal understatement. But man has my dream life been enhanced by the decision! I am still adapting new coping strategies and stress management skills, but I feel better knowing I flung another 9 inch nail monkey from my back.

But wait! There’s more!

I was barely finding my new emotional footing when I believe the IAM squeezed my cigarette dependency out of me also. I have no idea what the freakin hurry is, but good heavens,  here we are.

Following the lead of a client at work, I agreed to set a date to quit, not realizing it was only a week and a half away, when I made the commitment. I knew I needed to quit, not because I wanted to, but because I could no longer afford $9 a pack! Due to a faulty air conditioning system last summer, I was paying for an outrageous amount of electricity (thanks IAM) which led to having to choose between food or ciggs.

I chose cigarettes.

Yep. I did!

Until I could see how good Daniel looked, after just one month of not smoking, that is! It isn’t like he looked sickly or anything before, he just looked vastly more healthy within just 30 days of not using them. I wanted that. So with all things concerned, I agreed to ditch the stinky sticks and truly be left with nothing to calm my nerves. What a ridiculous move.

That was 2 1/2 months and 20 found pounds ago, and I have never felt better, or worse! I am still struggling to adjust in a body I do not recognize with a mind fully puffed up with accomplishment. I am relieved I am no longer a slave to smoke, and simultaneously burdened with the aftermath that 40 years of enslavement has taken on my body. I am pissy-pot-pie, proud as you can imagine and sad all at the same time. But I did it!! I crashed through two major roadblocks back to back just to show the Illuminati I mean fucking business and I am a gale force wind to be reckoned with! I have taken their words to heart,  and acted upon them, because I desperately want to go where they go. Even if I have to give up sugar now, to do so!!

So if you find yourself facing similar circumstance Beacons. It is a sign that you are on the right road, a path less traveled. Those damn roadblocks are there to strengthen us, not act as symbols of our surrender. I encourage you to slay the things that hold sway over you and enter into a life unhindered by addiction and it’s consequences. I invite you to join me as I continue to follow the Light and chase down those responsible for inspiring my ongoing spiritual, emotional, mental & physical renovation & enlightenment.

The Illuminati.

My enthusiastic loyalty to IAM, born of my ceaseless gratitude for their brilliant influence in my life, is the ultimate habit I have no intention or will, to break~


Gallery  —  Posted: February 27, 2019 in addiction




So what does it mean to be verified by The Illuminati; exactly?


verify 2

Because I am asked so often about mine, and because others continue to minimize the distinction, I thought I would take the time to expand upon  what it is, and what it is not. Especially as it applies to me.

There are two types. One for Official Accounts managed by Illuminati Agents, and one for when a Citizen Member identity has been verified and connected to their account. For the purpose of this article, I am only speaking about the later.

Verification in the Illuminati’s Members Portal is not a trivial gig, regardless of what those are not verified might think. Trust me, IF you ever receive the honor, you will understand what a big deal it is, immediately.

While becoming verified does not allow someone to speak ON BEHALF of the Illuminati, (only Agents are allowed the privilege), and it is not necessarily an endorsement of the person or their profiles across social media, it IS an honor to be sure. One that not all Initiates will be given. It doesn’t come with any particular Level and it does not appear to be a badge for every member of the Portal.

The Verification Badge is permanent, and by Invitation ONLY. It is not something that you can apply for and/or automatically receive. It appears to go beyond personal identity confirmation, for those who are not house hold names. The Illuminati themselves, are the ones who chose who to verify.  The two reasons stated in their own words (see above) are to distinguish:

1) Public Figures

To confirm Celebrity/High Profile People, are who they claim to be.

2) Community Leaders

To recognize Community Leaders in IAMs Public Outreach

In my case, I was recognized as a Community Leader, for things I had done in the years prior to the opening of the Members Portal.  I am by no means, the only person the Illuminati witnessed go above and beyond, in their efforts to spread and share The Illuminati’s messages.

They have given me permission to share this information with you, so I am not speaking out of school, or for them.  They made it very clear to me that they see the hard work of EVERYONE and just because I received the first one anyone has seen, I am NOT the only one who will have a blue check mark added to their profile. I was the FIRST because someone in a higher office than the MP or even Social Media, has taken notice of my past activity and wanted to show appreciation for my dedication to this outreach. It is important to note, I had been in this movement for almost 3 years when I was verified and leveled up. I have no idea how long one must be actively participating in this outreach, or what they must actual do beyond passing their messages around, to merit the distinction. I am just sharing my experience as a point of reference. It may be something you cannot earn, without “time in grade”. In other words, you might have to be around awhile before recieving one? That part is still unclear to me.

In my opinion, once more folks are verified, it will become more apparent as to what the Illuminati values, even though it isn’t synonymous with a personal endorsement. To my knowledge, they do not or cannot play favorites. However, we can learn more about what they revere in an Initiate’s conduct, as more are verified.  We should be able to see a trend, in the types of behaviors that IAM holds in high regard, once more have been honored. This is the kind a thing that will become more evident to us all, in time.

Because most people in the MP had no idea who I was, or what I did to merit such an privilege, folks had a hard time understanding why I was set apart for the distinction. Now that we are more familiar with each other, via the Members Portal, I am hoping we will better understand who IAM chooses who to set apart as community leaders, and why.


Going forward, I would love to see the people who have earned this Badge, celebrated for their contribution to this outreach, their service to humanity, and the outstanding tribute it actually is to be publicly recognized by the Illuminati, in this special way.


I hope this clarifies the issue once and for all, as more are indeed coming soon, and it is important that we all understand what it truly means, to be “Verified”.





*If someone has anything to add, that I might have missed or misunderstood, please do so in the comments. Would love to hear your POV~

Gallery  —  Posted: February 27, 2019 in FYI, Illuminatiam, Leadership, Verification

*For those of you not feeling the flames of refinement, I’m convinced it’s likely because you are not being groomed for greatness, yet. If your life is not being turned upside down, you may not be the leader you believe yourself to be.

Greatness is forged out of adversity, not abundance. I am sharing this for those who have been called to be Shepherds of their Species, not for the sheep they serve.

This is for those of you who are “feeling” it. I am pouring my guts onto the page so you can see you are NOT alone and be encouraged to keep swimming, by what I have shared from the depth of my soul~


I cannot help but wonder, if my life will ever be one that does not include continuous battles and hardship. Will it always be an uphill battle with no summit in site? Must I shed my skin ceaselessly upon the rocks of a path less traveled?

For as long as I can remember, there has always been something in my life to slay. I think that is why I have sought for so long, to change my name. When you have been given the name ‘Victory’, there is no end to your battles, no war -that is finally won. It announces to all you are triumph: personified. Something that is highly intimidating, to those who are still fighting to secure their own victories.

It has been a constant uphill battle for me in ways most do not know about, nor would they even understand. I am tired from a struggle no one sees. I have been surrounded by those who have no clue what I have faced in my lifetime or the toll these things have taken on my soul. I do not typically discuss the things that have sought my surrender, I write them out instead. I do so, hoping there is at least one other soul out there that understands the struggle. But alas, much of it is squirreled away, and hidden from view. Just like the relentless pain within, I cannot seem to pop the cork on.

While I did not expect anything in the way of hardship relief from The Illuminati. I did not anticipate the sharp increase in them. I had no idea there was going to be any kind of an “initiation”, much less have a clue about what they might entail. As I have stated before, I had a wonderful first year with IAM. The most unbelievable things happened to me that first year. Random things I had long desired, came to pass in a way that was nothing short of magical . It was indeed, a honeymoon of sorts that I sorely miss.

However, right around our year anniversary, things took an abrupt change, for the more challenging. The season of rest I had so enjoyed, was replaced by series of unfortunate events that have lasted 3 full years and have been explained in more detail in my article: “The REAL cost of following the Illuminati”. Even now as I enter into my 4th year, I do so with the leftovers of the previous year, unresolved.

In early December of 2018, my only sibling Brian, who has Down’s related Alzheimer’s, had 3 grand mal/tonic clonic seizures, one after another, setting off an earthquake of emotions in me I cant even write out yet, much less deal with -on any level.  As he enters into the 6th and final phase of a disease that will terminate his life, I am also preoccupied with my own illness. One that cannot remotely be compared, to what he is facing. Something that gives me an enormous amount of guilt to contemplate. My whole life has been one of guilt, since the day he was born, which will be addressed at another time. Suffice to say, it is like having an application open on your phone that you aren’t using, but it is running in the background draining your battery, never-the-less.

As 2018 gave way to 2019, the meds I took for what ails me, made me momentarily hope that my life would return to a normal pace. That somehow I could stand the challenges that haunt me, with something resembling strength, once my health had been restored.  Instead, my symptoms have returned and I started the year dealing with something I thought I had left behind me.  One look at me shows how far off of center I am. I carry almost 40 extra pounds from my smoking cessation, along with the burden knowing, it was my choices that have brought me to this place. I am deeply angry about the lack of professional care that put me in a position to gain beyond what was necessary, or normal. All under a doctors supervision. It as left me struggling to love myself, “as is”. Something I have always struggled with, being the odd man out, at all times.

I am not myself anymore. And not yet who I want to be.

I still do not smoke, but quitting was the worst thing I have done to myself, in recent decades.  Something that was suppose to improve my life, has caused me pain and grief I have yet to escape, almost 5 months later. My entire ecosystem has been rend asunder. But the most grievous of all, is the dreaded depression that has returned to gloat over a life that is already weaken, by the constant strain of rapid and radical change. While I type, tears fall hot and streaming, on a face that does not smile, like it used to.

2018 ended with far too many people taking my personal inventory and an announcement that the hotel I work at, had been sold. Thus leaving my job security at risk and my benefits diminished. All of it more than I can stand; today. And yesterday.

To add insult to injury, I know that there are those who claim to follow the Light, that will revel in my unraveling. Those self-righteous bullies, who will find joy in my pain. While others equally as disingenuous, feign concern publicly and mock in private. Those that have condemned me for my imperfect humanity, will celebrate my sadness, as if it had the power to elevate them; somehow. All of this not lost on me, due to a burdensome gift I have. Every bit of it contributing to the anguish I feel inside, because not even “family” can be trusted to love unconditionally. Only so called family, will actually bury their wounded.

All of which adds more tears to a bucket, already half full of them. 

This is initiation. This is the path to greatness. This is The Illuminati shedding Light on the darkest part of my soul. This is me struggling to rise to the occasion.

As awful as I am feeling, I know I am not alone. All around me there are those who are struggling to the same degree as I, or even more so. I have watched several people implode and become institutionalized, as a result of this process. I have seen many others, on the verge of suicide.  Neither of which is an option for me, personally. So anyone suggesting otherwise for any reason, do not know what I am made of. Or my history. Even in a broken state, I am stronger than most. So do not think for even one second, this extended walk through hell, will ever keep me from the summit. I will always climb skyward, even if I must crawl through some of the most difficult terrain.

I am not sure how The Illuminati is able to shine the Light into the deepest parts of our soul, but surely they do. They silently ask that we be all we can be, and somehow let us see the things that are preventing us from doing so. Demons long ago locked away, are released into the wild for a final battle, for all the cookies. Nothing remains hidden, for those who seek to be as the hidden hand. An irony so profound, it is lost on most Initiates.

What IAM does to deal with me, is not the same as they will do with you. Each path is as unique as those, who travel it. In my circle, the hand print of IAM cannot be mistaken. Although each one of us are having a totally different experience, and relationship with the illuminated ones.  I have been privy to the extreme ways in which IAM will let their presence be known to others, never having said an audible word, to those they guide.

In my case, I have been rightly abandoned and left for dead.

A closeness I once felt in the early days of this movement, has given way to a silence so profound, it echos painfully in my soul with an unexplained longing, to be reunited with people I have never met.

I have been cast into HELL and left for metaphorical dead more that once, in the years I have been under their watchful eye.  And yet, I have always known, even when I could not ‘feel’ them, that they were there in the shadows whispering, to keep swimming. But today. Not so much. I have never felt as abandoned, as I do now. Especially in contrast to the stories my closest brothers and sisters are sharing about their journeys right now.

I literally feel the distance between The Illuminati and I. It’s like they left me trailing in the shadowy background and walked into the Light well beyond where I currently reside, or can reach. A distance so palpable, I can literally taste the bitterness, left in the misty wake of it.  It makes me sick to think they have left me behind. That maybe I have cried waaaay too much, or have said, written, or recorded something I shouldn’t have, to be in the company of the Greats. It is the worst feeling EVER. Worse than the abandonment of a long time lover. It is on par with GOD turning his back on me, leaving me alone in the pit of Hades with a darkness so pervasive, it is starting to drive me mad. I often think to myself, who are these people that have gotten under my skin like this?? And how far from madness am I really, when I long to be reunited with people I have never met??

I ask myself over and over again, why am I being punished? What have I done sooo wrong, to make them turn their backs on me? Where is their humanity? How can they watch me suffer and offer no comfort? Who are these people, that are so heartless, they will not reach back to trembling hands that have been offered in sickening loyalty, on par with an abused dog?

Why O’ why has thou forsaken me??!!

I know I am no where near the end of the road, as the journey towards enlightenment is a lifestyle, not a destination. I have so much more to do, to prepare to for my role in the Universal Design, it’s daunting. My initiation has insisted I resolve old internal business that needs an accounting so desperately, the day of reckoning has arrived to clean house without remorse.

I am unclean with festering old wounds that are begging for healing. I am literally still and unborn in the mud, not yet sure if I will become a Lotus or perish in the weight of the ceaseless darkness I have felt within, for as long as I can remember. 

I know there are gemstones to be found in all of this, but right now, I do not feel like mining. What I want it a never-ending hug and the reassurance that all of this is leading to something, I can actually live with. I know this will pass, but I know also, another wave is coming behind this one. I wish I could see the Light on the water or the sand upon the shore. But I just don’t right now.  I can be no more honest than that.

My spiritual journey to the underworld has been laid bare before the world to consume. I have entered the deepest, darkest part of Hell. I am emotionally exhausted and dying for relief. I have been through so much, and there is so much more building within, and it seeks to pop the cork on a life that has held back things, which should have long ago, been released. If it wasn’t for a couple of Beacons in my life who understand this process, encouraging me to keep going, I would have long ago headed in another direction.  I am grateful to the ears that allow me to repeat my pain on the record, broken and bleeding from my heart. Even so, I am dead on arrival. Dead to the world. Dead in in the water. I don’t want to keep swimming, but I do not want to drown either.


I am the Ouroboros eating my own rattling tail, hungering to be the version of myself, The Illuminati sees in me. 

Today, I have paused. I have no more strength to push. I have given myself permission to float for awhile, as I die to myself awaiting the resurrection, I know will come in the wake of my demise.  For now,  I will drift in stillness upon the reflective sewer waters of my own contaminated life, with my face in the Sun…as silent as you, IAM~


Gallery  —  Posted: February 27, 2019 in Change, Doubt, Feelings,, Grateful, Grief, Hardships, initiation, Sadness, Storms
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